


Baby all I need is time

by sunnysideup



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 13 Going on 30, Angst, Based on, Fluff, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, RE2017, Swearing, The Niall in this story is a young Niall, Writers4Ziam, and there's probably more tags I should use, teenage angst, very brief mentions of cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-09 23:15:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12286266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnysideup/pseuds/sunnysideup
Summary: Liam's just your average, too average, 13 year old who wants something better, but mainly to be 30.Then it happens, overnight and things are as complicated as you can imagine.





	Baby all I need is time

**Author's Note:**

> This story or an idea of it has been in my head for so long and I'm just so pleased to be able to have written it - I truly hope it lives up to one of my fave films.
> 
> Thanks to Carlos for creating this exchange, thanks for those who selected this idea and a massive thank you to Leen, Cami and Bella for their support and everyone else who offered words of encouragement throughout.
> 
> I hope you like this story and thank you for reading. Any errors etc., are all down to me. Thank you.

“You’re holding up the queue Payne, I know you’re ugly but some of us want to go and get our dinner.”

Liam doesn’t look behind him, he just nods, mutters a half hearted apology and takes a step forward, the kid in front of him gets called by the photographer so Liam’s now at the front of the queue.

Behind him, other kids chatter happily amongst themselves but Liam as always stands awkwardly on his own, looking at the floor trying to look unbothered by how alone he sometimes feels, trying desperately to come up with something interesting to say or something fascinating or funny to do except he knows that it would all end in tears and him getting laughed at again for being lame.

So he just stands there, hoping that time can somehow whizz by.

The shove forward catches him by surprise so he almost stumbles into the chair but a hand stops him from hitting it fully or falling and the photographer takes the slip of paper from him and walks back to behind the camera..

Liam sits in the chair, and absent-mindedly pats at his hair, he can feel himself going red under the scrutiny of the photographer who clearly sensing that Liam’s nervous does his best to try and relax him.

“Okay then lad, what’s your name and who’s your favourite football team?”

As Liam answers, there’s a commotion to his left from the queue and raised voices and Liam’s voice is barely above a whisper.

“Liam, and West Brom I suppose.”

The photographer’s smirking as he looks at the queue, “Kids these days eh?” then he looks back towards Liam and the smile drops and he looks irritated and Liam doesn’t even know why.

“What?”

“Liam, and West Brom,” Liam repeats hoping somehow he doesn’t sound as unsure as he feels.

“I heard you the first time Tom.” The man snaps.

Liam tries not to react, or at least not react in any other way than he normally does when someone gets his name wrong, overlooks him, makes him feel like he’s just a footnote in everyone else’s lives but there’s also always this part of him that wants to scream out and yell.

“IT’S LIAM.” he shouts, hearing the desperation in his own voice and of course that’s when the camera flashes and he’s being waved away before he can beg for the chance to have his photo taken again, not for his own sake but for his mum so that just once she can have a photo where Liam looks at least semi-normal.

But it never happens like that for him, and the only consolation?

That it’s weeks before they get the pictures back and maybe the world will end before then if he’s lucky.

**

Of course the world doesn’t end and three weeks in Liam’s life normally crawl by at a snail’s pace, when his favourite comic is due out in two days time, it feels like ten years, but of course it’s just Liam’s luck that the three weeks before his school photograph is developed speeds by for him in the blink of an eye.

He clutches onto the envelope, holding it close to his chest hoping no one knocks into him making it fall to the floor and finds a small space, somewhere he can be sure he can look at his photo privately, and if he’s lucky he'll disappear into a puff of smoke with the embarrassment.

He opens the envelope, peers inside and surprisingly monsters and demons don’t come flying out repelled by the picture and as he slowly pulls the photograph out of the envelope, laughter doesn’t break out from the school tannoy system but it’s bad.

Very bad.

His cheeks are always too rosy and his face is mid ‘my name’s not Tom’ and Liam wonders if he’d catch serious harm from eating the photograph or not.

It’s not worth the hassle and his mum will say he looks adorable anyway so he shoves the photo back into the envelope, places the envelope in between the pages of his artbook and then shoves it into his rucksack and starts to walk down the corridor trying to put it behind him for a few hours at least.

The hand that falls onto his shoulder surprises him and he tenses up, but as an arm and then a hand holding a camera come into his vision and there’s a familiar comforting smell, vanilla and something else, so he relaxes for a moment right before the camera flashes and cringes.

“Zayn, leave it out.” as Liam turns around he sees Zayn’s smile fade so quickly and he adds a quick “please,” which he follows up with a smile and that’s all it takes for Zayn to blush and then giggle and push at Liam playfully before he turns serious once more.

“I don’t know why you don’t like having your picture taken Li, you’re perfect.”

Liam rolls his eyes at Zayn, nudges him back and then just like his cousins Ruth and Nicola always say he says as sarcastically as he can muster, “Sure Jan,” even though he doesn’t even know what it means and then they fall into step next to each other.

Zayn’s a bit smaller than Liam, wears clothes that may have been fashionable in the 70s and that both dwarf him but which are too tight on his trousers like his mum forgot he gets bigger as he grows older.

His hair is black, cut by his auntie in her kitchen with a bowl to guide her to keep it straight, he’s like someone that time and fashion forgot and yet he still never gets bullied or bothered by the bullies quite like Liam ever has.

Liam envies him sometimes though he knows it’s more complex than that, that Zayn goes through other stuff which Liam could never begin to understand..

Zayn’s saying something even while Liam’s lost in thought but Liam finds himself nodding and smiling and it seems to please Zayn and that makes Liam’s feel secure and warm.

Liam doesn’t envy Zayn as much as he envies Andy though and there’s a hush that falls along the corridor and a path that clears as Liam suddenly sees Andy and his crew walking towards them till the only ones in Andy’s way are Liam and Zayn.

“Alright Paynearse, got your pictures?”

Andy’s like some miracle that puberty did a number on without the awkward phase, he’s taller than Liam, a year older than Liam and somehow that makes a difference, he has this air of confidence, is loved by all the kids, boys and girls alike and he’s cool and knows what the latest fashion trend is, knows about superheroes, plays in the football team and he’s what Liam would love to be if he could ever shake off his awkwardness.

Liam reflexively checks his backpack to make sure it’s still shut and it’s his imagination he’s sure but Zayn moves in closer, offers some kind of protection but he forgets as soon as a pair of fingers click in front of his face impatiently.

“Earth to Paynearse, ah who cares, I got mine, they’re shit as per usual.”

There are murmurs of disagreement from Andy’s crew and then he’s brandishing his photos and they aren’t shit, he looks cool as always, lip curling in the way that when Liam tries to attempt it just looks like the wind changed direction, Andy’s hair is always that bit longer, that bit more flicked in the right way.

“They’re amazing,” breathes Liam and he doesn’t imagine the noise that comes from Zayn next to him.

The disappointment and then as he quickly looks at Zayn he’s rolling his eyes and shaking his head.

“I’m going to class, see you later Li.”

“He’s not your keeper Zayn, none of us are and none of us care, right Paynearse?”

Zayn’s already walking away, not looking behind him but Liam knows he should tell Andy to get a grip, to not be such an arse but he doesn’t and he’s just stood there staring dumbly at Andy and his mates, the people that Liam so aches to be friends with himself but then Andy’s arm is around Liam’s shoulder and he’s smirking at his mates and pulling him to the side.

“Listen, mate, I wanted to come to your party, was gonna bring Sophia and everyone, but we’ve got the history project to turn in and well, school counts the most at our age right so you understand if we can’t come.”

It feels like Liam’s stomach plummets to the floor in record time, even worse than when his mum had found out that he’d gone off cheese and onion sandwiches and had stored them all in a drawer in his room, and it shouldn’t matter there’s a part of him that knows it shouldn’t but he’s twelve albeit as Zayn says sometimes twelve going on fifty, but it matters so much and he couldn’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth even if he tried.

“I’ll do it for you,” and that’s bad enough but then Liam’s gesturing to others, “For all of you.”

He doesn’t miss the way Andy winks at his mates, knows that he’s got pushover written on the back of his head probably but then he hears the next few words and in his twelve-year-old brain, it makes it all worthwhile.

“Well then, looks like we’ve got a birthday party to attend then eh lads?”

Liam floats on air for the rest of the day and he doesn’t even care.

**

“I still don’t know why you had to invite that prick and his prick mates to your party.”

Liam shoots a glance at Zayn, trying to work out if he’s being serious and Zayn’s stood still leaning against the lamp post around the corner from the street they live on, face creased with what looks like a combination of disappointment and concern.

“He’s not a prick Zaynie, he’s so cool once you get to know him.”

Zayn says nothing for a moment then pushes himself off the lamp post and shakes his head.

“I’m just concerned Li, that’s all, I know you’ve had a hard time at this school,” quieter then he adds, “and all the others, and I know you just want to fit in but Andy Samuels and that lot, and Sophia and all those people, they aren’t right for you.”

“Who is right for me though Zayn?”

The nudge into him is as predictable as Zayn’s next words.

“Me mate, me and well me, who else?”

Liam starts to laugh, “You’re so possessive, anyone would think you want me all to yourself.”

It’s the funniest thing Liam’s ever thought of, well not as funny as when he put a spider under Ruth’s pillow in the tent one summer holiday but still pretty funny that anyone would want Liam as their one and only friend.

Except Zayn’s not laughing and they carry on walking in silence till their houses, right next to each other.

Next door neighbours for years, part of each other’s lives for years except in different circles and different schools for too long.

They face each other and Liam’s about to say something about the party tomorrow when Zayn starts to speak.

“Would it be so bad anyway, just you and me?”

It’s as unexpected a question as the one he was asked last year by his mum as to who his favourite superhero was, and Liam’s contemplating it immediately, and there’s this part of his brain that’s thinking thoughts that confuse him but then thinking thoughts of popularity and finding a space with Andy and Sophia and being normal.

But then fingers click in front of him and Zayn’s grinning.

“Only joking you doughnut, now how’s about some popping candy and a gobstopper?”

Zayn doesn’t even wait for an answer before he’s pulling Liam’s hand towards him and turning it palm upwards and dropping the candy and the sweet into Liam’s hand.

“These are for kids Zaynie,” Liam halfheartedly protests.

“And I’m your elder, and well exactly.”

Then he’s waving and pushing the gate open and Liam’s half a step or two behind him as he walks to his own gate and pushes it open and they wave at each other and he puts all thoughts of it being just him and Zayn out of his head because that’s all too confusing and something that his soon to be thirteen-year-old self can’t even contemplate.

**

Liam loves his mum and dad, he does.

It’s just that they have no concept of personal space, and its got worse since they found the sandwiches in his bottom drawer.

Andy once said his mum and dad had found magazines with pics of girls with not many clothes on in his bottom drawers and that’s the difference between Liam and Andy.

In Liam’s bottom drawers now are comics with superheroes in them, On Liam’s wall, there are images of girls he thinks he should think are pretty, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, in his brain only there are images of boys but he keeps quiet about that.

He’s staring at himself in the mirror, flexing his muscles, wondering whether Popeye was a fake or whether Spinach really will make his muscles pop out from nowhere while Sometimes by Britney plays in the background and he’s contemplating sticking tissue down his jeans when his mum and dad barge in uninvited.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY LI-LI.” His mum exclaims, bright and wide smile lighting up her face while Liam’s dad holds the camcorder in his hands.

There was a time when being called Li-li made Liam feel good and secure and a time when he’d play up to the camera but he feels vulnerable, too small and too skinny even with the boxing he’s started to take up and even with the running he has a natural aptitude for and he wants to rip the camcorder out of his dad’s hands but instead he just mumbles a “please go away,” and he hears his mum’s voice, soft and understanding and his dad saying sorry and then it’s just him and his mum who sits next to Liam where he sinks onto the bed.

He wants to shrug her hand away where it rests on his shoulder but the twelve-year-old of yesterday finds it soothing still.

The sounds of Britney filter into his brain.

“ _Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide, Sometimes I’m scared of you.”_

And it’s like all his worries pile in at once, and his gaze falls on the magazine, Aspire, he buys each week with his paper round money, the one that’s all about films, and music and superheroes and the one that’s got fast cars and lifestyles of people who have it all sussed out.

“I want to be older mum,” he’s aware his voice is whiny and he’s aware that he’s asking for the impossible, “I want to more of a man rather than a boy.”

Karen Payne’s soft laugh is like salt in his wounds and he gets inexplicably angry, shrugs off her shoulder and spits out, “Like you’d ever understand.”

“I do love, more than you can ever know.”

But he doesn’t care, doesn’t want to listen and he buries his head in the pillow and he hears the sound of the click of the door and his mum leaving but it doesn’t make him feel any better.

He doubts anything will. Not till he’s older, not till he’s twenty, or twenty-five or even better, thirty.

**

Geoff Payne had spent three weekends in a row clearing out the garage to make it good enough for a party, Liam’s thirteenth birthday party.

And it does look good, there’s a table with food covered with cellophane and bottles of cola and lemonade, there are packets of sweets and then some balloons that Liam and his dad had spent a couple of hours blowing up earlier.

In the corner of the garage is the CD player playing Backstreet Boys, and Liam’s nerves can only be calmed by one thing.

He won’t admit how many times he’s watched the video, won’t admit how he can do the dance off by heart, but he doesn’t really need to, it’s obvious as the song reaches the crescendo and he starts to do the hand movements.

“Everybody, rock your body, everybody, everybody rock your body, everybody Backstreet’s back alright.”

Liam’s so engrossed, so immersed and all his worries, all his cares, all the fear that Andy and Sophia and all that lot won’t show up disappear so well that he doesn’t notice Zayn till it’s almost finished and he’s there, in his favourite t-shirt and hoodie, stood on the step from the house into the garage leaning against the door, looking so familiar and with this half smile on his face that Liam could draw in his sleep and there’s that feeling again in Liam’s stomach like warmth and familiarity.

But he’s thirteen now as the badge that’s attached to his hoodie confirms “Be nice, I’m 13 today’ and all that goes out the window when he sees that Zayn’s holding something in his hands.

“Zaynie, what you got there for me?”

Zayn’s half smile turns into a full smile and he steps down into the garage and places whatever it is on the small picnic table next to where the long table is.

“It’s only part one of your pressies but it’s well, it’s something I hope you’ll like.”

Liam tears at the wrapping paper that’s crudely done, barely sparing time to notice it’s superhero wrapping paper and then as the paper falls to the floor and Liam can see in his peripheral vision that Zayn’s chewing his nails nervously, he rocks back on his own heels.

It’s not just a little present, it’s not just something you buy your best mate, it’s a work of art and Liam’s incredulous.

“Zayn,” he breathes out, “Oh my god.”

“Do you like it?” Zayn’s family moved from Yorkshire to the Midlands so long ago when he was four and yet sometimes, especially when he’s nervous, the accent comes back full force and Liam’s in love with that accent and how much it makes Zayn, well, Zayn.

“It’s amazing,” Liam says without hesitation and then he’s crouching down and Zayn’s crouching down with him.

“I just thought that you’re well obsessed with Batman and well so am I, and so I thought I’d build you the Batcave, and that’s you as Batman by the way, and then there’s me as Robin except that’s the only time I’ll be Robin cause it’s your thirteenth and you deserve to have all your wildest dreams come true, oh and there that’s the joker except that’s Andy, and well.”

Zayn’s pointing out all the little bits, all the faces that he’s glued onto each character, all the little details, the way that Batman wears a pair of boxing gloves on a pendant around his neck as though it really is a homage to Liam.

“Oh and I almost forgot,” Zayn’s reaching into the pocket of his jeans and pulling out a packet, “Waliyha’d never forgive me if I didn’t give you this,” he hands over the packet to Liam.

“What is it?”

“Fairy dust, apparently if you make a wish when you throw it in the air then it’ll make all your dreams come true.”

Liam doesn’t have to say anything, just raises his eyebrows at Zayn who does the same back.

“Just tell Wali thank you next time you see her, it’ll make her year, please?”

Liam nods, “Done,” and then he tears at the packet, “I suppose it wouldn’t do any harm to sprinkle the Batcave with the fairy dust would it?”

Zayn’s smile is worth a million pounds, and there’s that feeling in Liam’s stomach again and he wants to say something though he doesn’t know what.

Then the doorbell goes.

“Oh my god, they’re here, oh my god Zayn, they’re actually here, they’ve actually come,”

He acts on instinct more than anything else, as he picks up the Batcave, and he whirls around in a panic trying to find someplace to hide it, and then he spots the door back into the house and the utility room and he’s mumbling out words of “I’ll just put it here for safekeeping so there’s room to dance,” and he’s sure he imagines the way Zayn’s face falls but he’s too caught up in nerves and panic to think more about it.

And then he’s running up to the front door and his dad’s almost there but he practically shoves him into the living room and there’s this voice in his head reproaching him, wondering how he can turn into this thirteen-year-old monster overnight and yet there it is and as he opens the door.

There  _he_  is, there they are and Andy’s all slicked back hair, leather jacket on and lip curling with disdain once more but he’s everything Liam wants to be.

“It’s in the garage, the party I mean,” and then Andy’s shrugging at the others and they half-heartedly nod before they hand Liam their coats and it doesn’t feel quite as good as it should.

Till he sees the other car pull up, and the sound of laughter reaches him and then the sound of car doors slamming shut and the sight of dark hair blowing in the breeze and a bright smile and suddenly it’s okay again.

**

Dr. Dre is cool, and so are Placebo and Liam’s spent many a happy hour or two sharing headphones with Zayn and learning all the swear words, and all the words of every song and artist Zayn’s told him about.

But they aren’t Andy’s cup of tea, and well Zayn isn’t Andy’s cup of tea and it’s awkward and Andy and his mates and Sophia and her mates look bored.

“Paynearse, what the fuck is this music?”

There’s a little part of Liam that wants to say, “It’s great music what are you talking about?” but instead he shrugs, “I dunno, it’s Zayn’s choice.”

He doesn’t miss the way Andy rolls his eyes, he absolutely of course doesn’t miss the way he just strides across knocking into Zayn as he goes past him, or the way he tosses the CD onto the floor and puts on some generic dance type crap instead.

And he doesn’t miss the way Zayn shakes his head, then looks at Liam as if to say, “Are you really letting him do that?” but he wishes he could pretend he didn’t see it and so he does the next best or more appropriately, worst thing and drops his gaze from Zayn’s.

“Fuck this shit, I’m off to get my headphones and me own CD player.”

“Don’t hurry back birdbrain,” Andy sneers and as insults go it’s pretty lame.

Zayn stops as he passes by Liam and Liam smiles in a way he hopes is apologetic, but then he catches Andy’s eye just as he does and just as Zayn says.

“I’ll be back soon Li.”

It’s instinct, it’s pressure, a desire to gain approval, the worst kind of feelings that make Liam say what he does next.

“Do whatever Zayn, I’m not your keeper, not your grandma either.”

It’s worse this time around, the way that Zayn’s eyes flicker for a moment, the way he rocks back slightly on his heels and the way the sound of laughter echoes around the garage.

But then as Liam’s eyes meet Andy’s and the way he sees Sophia nod with approval in the corner of his eyeline, he forgets or at least pushes to the back of his mind the look on Zayn’s face.

Ten minutes later, and Liam’s stood alone, watching as Andy and the others whisper, laugh and make him feel alone, watches the way Sophia twirls her hair between her fingers and wonders why he doesn’t feel like he does when he’s around Zayn.

Then she smiles, and Liam finds himself smiling but then she laughs and whispers something to a friend and he knows she’s laughing at him and he just wills Zayn to come back but that’s odd and confusing and so he focuses on her once more.

“I’ve got an idea for a game especially for our birthday boy.”

Andy’s voice interrupts Liam’s thoughts.

“How about some hide and seek,” Andy throws an arm around Liam then and his voice quiets to a loud whisper, “Oh and whoever finds you first Liam gets to kiss you and well let’s just see where that goes eh and maybe just maybe Sophia may want to do that the most but one important thing, the most important thing you have to keep your eyes shut.”

Butterflies form in Liam’s stomach out of nowhere and he feels like his pulse rate quickens as he mumbles, “Really?”

“Really, now go hide and we’ll do the same and let fate do its trick on us eh?”

Liam nods, already thinking ahead, thinking of where he should have his first kiss and he takes a step away from Andy knowing exactly where to go but then feels a hand on his shoulder stopping him.

“ Before I forget, did you do the history thing mate?”

Liam slaps at his forehead.

“Yeah sorry, it’s over there on the shelf next to the CD player.”

Andy smiles, warm and sincere, “Good boy Paynearse, now run along and hide eh?”

So Liam does.

**

He’s not sure how much time passes, it’s enough time that he stands up in the utility room, turns on the light and stares at the bat cave in wonderment but then he thinks maybe the light being on will put Sophia off, so he turns it off and then sits on the floor and maybe it’s too good a hiding place except it’s right next to the garage.

Then he hears distant voices and then footsteps, and he swallows as the footsteps stop and Liam screws his eyes shut as he hears the door open.

And there’s a familiar smell, and then hands that find his and they’re soft but not as soft as Liam imagined but he’s never held a girl’s hand before so maybe this is the reality.

Then he hears someone breathing, and the floorboards creak a little as the person leans in closer.

Liam can’t stop himself, the insecurities he’s held for so long and the doubts he’s harboured all swelling to the surface but ready to be batted away forever in the next couple of minutes.

“I never thought you’d like me Sophia.”

“Yer what Li?”

Liam blinks his eyes open.

“Zayn, what the?” He pushes Zayn as he says the words and Zayn loses any balance he had and falls backwards but Liam doesn’t care as he stalks past him and out the utility room and back into the garage, the empty garage.

“What did you do?” He shouts, his voice rising with panic and Zayn’s there next to him holding his arm where he fell on it, looking confused.

“Nothing - I just went to get my headphones and my CD player and came back and they were leaving and said you were hiding and waiting for me and I just-.”

“Ruined everything,” Liam cuts in but he knows it’s not the truth, it’s not Zayn’s fault, it’s Liam’s fault, all this is and he can’t be with anyone, especially not Zayn, especially not that face that’s so sympathetic, and the compassion he knows that will pour from him and the kind words.

“Just leave me alone, I hate you, I hate fucking everything and I just wanna be alone.”

“Liam please, we’ll sort this out, and I’ve got your other present.”

But Liam doesn’t care, and he walks away, walks back into the utility room, slumps to the floor and starts to cry, throws his head back against the shelving unit that shudders and murmurs.

“I want this all to be over, I just want to be older, I don’t want to be like this anymore, please make me older.”

Over and over again till he blocks out the sound of Zayn’s words on the other side of the door and with his eyes shut as he doesn’t notice the way the fairy dust fills the air as Liam repeats his words.

Over and over again.

**

Light streams through the windows as Liam cracks one eye open, stretches out his legs and arms in his bed and yawns.

He sits up, swings around and sets both feet on the floor, drags himself upwards and rubs his eyes, too sleepy to take in his surroundings and opens the bedroom door, he takes two or three steps before he realises there are no stairs to go down and that’s a bit weird and surprising but okay.

He takes another step, rubs his eyes once more, and then he stops, blinks at what he sees and then rubs his eyes harder, but it’s the same when he looks around him.

“What?” He says aloud to the empty room, and then he’s whirling around 360 degrees or at least that’s his intention till he catches sight of himself in a mirror, a full-length mirror and he nearly faints on the floor but he doesn’t.

Instead, he reaches out a shaky hand to the mirror, and nothing changes so he draws the hand closer to him and pinches his skin.

Nothing changes. Except everything has and he looks down at himself then.

He’s not Liam anymore, or maybe he is and maybe some alien had come and stolen his body overnight and if he goes back to sleep he’ll wake up as actual Liam, not alien!Liam.

He peers into the mirror again, can’t help himself, the alien’s done a good job in part at least because he’s still got the big old Payne nose, and the plump bottom lip but it’s everything else that doesn’t belong to him.

Long legs, cropped hair, hair on his face that doesn’t feel as itchy as he thought it would, hair on his arms, hair on his chest and not just some weedy chest, no a chest that’s like Popeye wasn’t lying and he’s been overdosing on spinach.

He’s wearing a pair of trousers, or comfy trousers, he’s not sure what they are really but they aren’t his spiderman pyjama bottoms that’s for sure.

Liam doesn’t know what makes him do it, except that well real!Liam has been known to get out a ruler and measure his thingie before so actual maybe alien!Liam’s just been paying attention.

He pulls away the material nervously, unsure of what he’ll find down there, maybe aliens don’t even have them but his eyes practically pop out of his head as he peers down.

There’s hair leading from just below his bellybutton and it gets thicker, coarser, more manly he supposes and then it’s there, and he can’t rightly call it a ‘thingie’ anymore, and he doesn’t realise that he’s moving backwards as he tentatively lowers his hand and it all happens at once, the way his hand touches whatever the ‘once called a thingie’ is and the way he suddenly ends up legs in the air and flat on his back yelping out a belated “Ouch,” as he faces the ceiling.

He pulls his hand from out of the trousers, and rubs at his head, and looks around the room, there’s a TV that’s on the wall that’s almost as big as his real bed, there’s what looks like mini TVs or something like that on the settee that just have one small button on them and Liam’s half tempted to press them as he stands up and dusts himself down but he’s not quite ready to go back to his mother planet right now if he is alien!Liam so he leaves it alone, there’s a small table next to where the settee is that’s got paper on it or envelopes and he lifts them up expecting to find Mr & Mrs G Payne on there but instead there’s a brown envelope that has ‘inland revenue’ typed on it and then Mr. L J Payne and then there’s a white envelope with Nationwide Building Society on it, and then there’s envelope after envelope with his name on and he’s lost.

Next to where the envelopes were is a pen and then next to it, a slim back device which when he lifts it up and turns it over has numbers on it and as he holds it up to his ear, it sounds like a dialling tone so maybe this is what phones are like in alien!Liam’s world and it’s a long shot but he dials the number that his mum made him memorise from when he was knee-high to a grasshopper and again it’s doubtful that you can even phone Earth from wherever he is but then he hears the ringing sound and then a voice answers.

“Mum, Dad?” he says out loud, and well okay, his voice is deeper than it once was too, and he clears his throat and says, “Mummy, Daddy?” but still he sounds older somehow and no one told him that turning thirteen did this to you, or at least not overnight.

“Hello, you’re through to Geoff and Karen, we can’t come to the phone right now and we’re definitely not on holiday are we Kaz for any burglars listening not that anyone phones us anyway but leave a message after the tone and we’ll be back to you once we’re done getting sunburnt.”

There’s a beep then and Liam’s sure it’s a joke, but he can’t help the way he feels, that he’s scared suddenly.

“Daddy, have the aliens taken you too?” He says it softly, voice breaking into a sob, he’s about ready to crack when he hears another voice and it’s most likely the alien overlords or something come to call alien!liam back to the motherland or whatever it is but he stands up anyway dropping the handset to the floor.

it’s someone singing, a man and Liam looks around him, alien overlords have good voices in this world at least, he gulps hard though because what does he do now?

He’s busy figuring out whether he should run a mile when the alien overlord or whoever he is, appears at the door at the other end of the corridor in front of him then and it’s a grown man, in this house or whatever it is and he’s grinning and his lips are moving.

“Hey baby, was wondering where you were, come on in the water’s beautiful.” and then he winks and Liam’s gaze travels downwards as he looks at the man’s body and he’s confused and like a fish out of water, and this is his house wherever he is, and there’s this man inviting him for a shower and Liam’s lightheaded but shaking his head.

“No,” is the only word he can think of and then the guy is laughing, “Oh stop being like that baby, it’s too early for that game.”

Liam backs away, tries not to scream, tries not to yell except that’s all he wants to do and there’s the sound of music, a tinny sound, it’s familiar and he realises it’s that song he loved as a kid but he’s not sure where it’s coming from and it’s just too much and he wants to yell to whoever that he’s ready to go home but then the guy is calling him to the shower again and he sees a door and he thinks maybe it’s like in the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe and that he’ll walk through the door and back into his world or at least be away from the man and so he opens it but then there’s another mirror and he’s not wearing anything on top so he picks up what looks like a coat and pulls it on and he does a doubletake as he looks in the mirror once more and then finds a pair of shoes and slams the door behind him.

Anything to get away from whatever this nightmare is and get back to where he came from.

**

Where he came from and outside definitely didn’t involve the sound of sirens, beeping horns and people pushing past him, no, where Liam came from was the sound of birds, the smell of manure and countryside not that far away and kids running to school and only the sound of bells on bikes interrupting any silence.

Liam pinches himself some more, as he looks around him and it’s definitely not Wolverhampton anymore Dorothy, he whirls around and there’s a pair of fingers clicking in his face and from somewhere it registers with him but he’s in too much of a daze.

“Liam, about fucking time, we’re late.”

The fingers drop and fall onto the sleeve of his jacket and he feels himself being pulled and he can’t believe he’s about to be kidnapped in broad daylight, except maybe it’s earthlings saving him from alien!Liam.

He digs his heels in and shakes his head though, and the man in front of him sighs dramatically, he’s all long hair and facial hair and well Liam’s got facial hair now too apparently but it’s still confusing.

“Didn’t you hear me the first time, we’re late Li, come on,” the guy’s holding the door of a car open for him and Liam can’t go with him, except then he hears his name being called from what seems to be the sky and it’s a toss-up honestly between staying here in this confusing world or maybe it really is his mothership calling him, but as he looks up he sees the guy and it’s him again.

“Come on baby, it’s cold without you.”

And it’s a lesser of two evils really right now as he hasn’t a clue where he is anyway so he lets himself be tugged into the car, and a cup is placed in his hand and it’s warm and comforting and it’s away from the ‘baby’ guy and that’s something at least.

“Who are you? Where are you taking me? I’m thirteen and I shouldn’t be with strangers,” the words tumble from Liam’s mouth.

The car starts moving and Liam’s aware that the other man is staring at him and it’s enough to make Liam fall silent, then he feels the back of a hand across his forehead like his mum always does when he’s poorly.

“You don’t seem to have a temperature so is it a new kind of weed man, cause it’s rude not to share and honestly you ain’t thirteen mate, try twenty-five and maybe you’d get away with it but you really do look thirty lately, it’s all those late nights,” the guy starts to laugh and it’s not a comforting laugh, it’s annoying and Liam looks out the window trying to calculate how much harm he’d do to himself if he jumped out right now.

“Gotta say as well mate, that new weed isn’t having the best influence on your fashion choices, wearing pyjama bottoms for work and no shirt, and displaying half your pubic hair pal,” the man whistles, “CLASSY or is that what your sort does now?”

Liam’s about to ask him what sort he means quickly followed by the fact that no way is he thirty when the car brakes sharply and the man’s jumping out his side of the car and sighing dramatically as he looks back in where Liam’s still sitting and Liam really doesn’t know what he’s meant to do or where he is but he gets out anyway.

It’s even busier than where they were before, people nudge Liam and sigh impatiently as they move past him.

“Get that down your neck mate, and we’ll go see what this week brings eh?” The man gestures towards the drink which Liam hasn’t had a sip of yet, and maybe it’s some kind of special drink that’ll take them back to Liam’s real world but as he starts to drink it, it’s more likely to be poison and he wants to spit it out but ends up coughing instead.

“What is this?” Liam screws up his face, trying not to retch.

“Oh shit, have you changed your mind again, last week it was cafe macchiato with extra almond and goats milk, don’t tell me you read something that said that it shortens your willy or something, just drink it mate otherwise I’ve got a feeling today may be even longer than we think.”

Liam’s been brought up to respect his elders and maybe it’s like the cough mixture Liam used to have when he was a kid, and it’ll make him feel better so he takes a breath, mumbles “ready steady batman,” under his breath and then drinks the remainder all in one go.

“Attaboy,” A hand smacks hard onto his back and maybe it’s just Liam’s imagination but he does feel perkier, more awake suddenly but as the other guy starts to move towards a set of doors to go inside, Liam doesn’t budge.

“We’ve got work Liam, remember, work, the place that pays for your mortgage, pays for your clothes which admittedly are better than the shit you’re wearing today normally but it’s work.”

“Not school?” Liam’s voice is small again.

The other guy laughs though it’s not an unkind sound, “No, definitely not school, you’re 30 mate remember, now come on sunshine and we’ll see whether we can keep Aspire afloat for another week or two, just you and me, the dynamic duo.”

“Aspire?” Liam breathes as he takes a step closer to the doors in front of them and sure enough there’s the logo, the magazine that he’s bought for a whole year and in alien!Liam land, or whatever this is, he, Liam James Payne, works here.

The guy laughs again and Liam’s really not sure what’s so funny but he lets himself be pulled inside and an arm wraps around his shoulder and he hears, “Christ alive Liam, I really do want the number of your dealer now come on, we’re late.”

**

The Aspire offices are like some gigantic playground except with what looks like small tv screens and then the little tv screens that Liam had at his home, but they’re everywhere, everyone’s holding one and it’s all too much for Liam’s senses.

He’s stared at and people nudge as he passes by though he’s been brought up well, he’s Karen and Geoff’s polite boy and so he smiles at them and each person looks a bit more shocked than the last.

Then a door’s opening and he’s shoved inside and it’s a large room with a big table and chairs around it, and there are people sat at it, talking loudly and the guy he’s with pulls him towards a pair of chairs and Liam slumps down onto it.

“Our Liam had a heavy weekend, that and he bagged himself a famous footbal-”

Liam’s about to protest because 1. His thirteenth birthday party wasn’t that heavy whatever ‘heavy’ means and 2. He’s thirteen and all he wants in life is Sophia Smith or to read comic books on his bed with Zayn’s head resting on his shoulder.

The way the other faces in the room look confusedly at him tells him he should really learn to work out what’s his inner voice and what he’s saying out loud but then his mate, the guy who the red-headed lady opposite with too much make up calls Sammo says, “TOLD YA.” in an overly loud voice, and they all start to laugh.

In the corner a woman with dark curly hair stands nervously waving her fingers in Liam’s direction and he beckons her forward.

“I’m sorry Mr. Payne, but can I get you anything?”

Liam doesn’t know what to say at first, why are you saying sorry springs to mind the most but then he’s overtaken by a decision on whether to ask for a glass of milk, or for his pencil case though he has a feeling that if he asked for either he’d get laughed at and he’s spent his whole life or till he was thirteen being laughed at or ignored and whatever’s going on right now, he can’t face any more of that.

But he still can’t stop his instinct, this need to find the one person who can help him make sense of everything and so he scribbles a name, and then an address and he tears off the sheet of paper from the pad and he’s just about to hand it to her when someone else in the room clears their throat.

“Edith, is there a reason you’re still here in this confidential meeting or are you just having an impromptu gossip session with my star editors?”

Liam’s not sure whose head snaps up fastest, his or Edith’s.

Cause ‘Star editor?’ and the guy is looking at Liam as he says it but then Edith’s scrambling away, mumbling her apologies, bright red and Liam wants to tell her it’ll be okay but she’s almost out the room before he looks back down at the sheet of paper and he was always king of doing paper aeroplanes at school and he won’t let that change now although he doesn’t have time to make it plane shaped and it hits Edith on the back of the head and she yelps but quickly picks it up from the floor and Liam holds his thumbs up and gives her what he hopes is a puppy dog look and it's a barely imperceptible nod but it's there nonetheless and then she shuts the door.

And it’s just Liam, alone with grown-ups, one of which is apparently him and the guy at the other end of the room is taller than adult!alien!Liam and he’s wider, he’s got black hair, a beard and he’s stocky though immaculately dressed in a grey suit with a blue tie, a total contrast to the way everyone else is dressed casually.

He lifts up what looks like 2 front covers and the one in his left hand is instantly recognisable, it’s the logo that Liam could recognise along the most filled magazine rack in any newsagents, the one he’d aspired to be part of and maybe even redesign one day, and here he is.

The man slams the cover of Aspire to the wall secured by blu tack and surrounded by other front covers, and then theatrically accompanied by a shake of his head, he holds up another front cover with a name of ‘Inspire’ and it’s an identical front cover, but Aspire had FAQs about Batman.

Inspire has an interview with Batman.

Voices are raised around him, Liam hears talk of leaks, and spies and suddenly everything seems so serious and the guy who according to Sammo is called Paul, just shakes his head, mutters something about, “If the next issue doesn’t hit what we need, we’re over, as we are now, just completely over.”

And then he’s walking out the door and he’s followed by everyone else who talks amongst themselves and it’s just Liam who runs a hand through his hair and just wants to find a way back to being 13 again.

It takes him another ten minutes to find enough strength and will in himself to stand up and find wherever he works, and Edith is on the phone as Liam walks out, looking lost and it's by chance that Liam glances at the door of an office just opposite where Edith sits and he sees his name.

**Liam Payne - Editor**

He wants to run his fingers over the letters, memorise it, just in case this is the last time he sees it, just in case if he finds Zayn again, he’ll offer him a way back or slay alien!Liam and bring back the real one but he doesn’t, instead, he opens the door, and walks in.

There are pictures all around the room, pictures of him with others, with Sammo and the ladies from the meeting dressed in their finery, there are pictures of him with what looks like sports stars at football matches.

It’s one picture that catches his eye though, Liam as he is now or maybe a little bit younger and a man who’s instantly recognisable to a geek like Liam anyway.

_Great to see you again Liam, or should I say, Bruce Payne, from one Batman to another, best George Clooney. Xxx_

Liam wants to shout from the rooftops, tell someone, anyone, he’s friends with Batman except there’s just one person he wants to tell and yet he can’t, he doesn’t even know where he himself is or what he himself is, never mind that person.

He turns around, looking at what he presumes is his desk, and one of those weird looking mini tv’s again and then there’s a screen on his desk and a phone, and what looks like a keyboard except it's not like keyboards from yesterday, or whenever his thirteen-year-old self was playing on computers.

He’s about to sit down when there’s a tentative knock on the door and Edith’s there, face still bright red, and hands still shaking as Liam opens the door and she hands him yellow stickers.

“These are your messages, Mr Payne, there’s one from your mum and dad but if they phone again I can just tell them you’re busy like always.”

“Is that what you normally say?” He asks, confused.

“That’s the first thing you told me when I became your secretary, Mr. Payne, I’m sorry if I misunderstood.”

Two things strike Liam. The first being that Edith actually seems afraid of him and that in itself scares Liam, and the second that if his mum and dad phone, he’s always busy? Too busy for his parents when all he ever wants is his mum and dad?

Something unfamiliar, something he’s not comfortable with finds its place in his stomach but it's overtaken by this need to reassure Edith, this need to change her perception.

“No, you’re right, that’s what I said cause well I’ve been so busy and all you’ve ever done Edith is what I ask, so thank you but next time they phone, just put them through,” then softer he adds, “please.”

For the first time since he laid eyes on Edith, her frown gives way to an uncertain smile and just like that, the feeling in Liam’s stomach gets a little easier to bear.

But then she’s shaking her head again, “Me and my brain Mr. Payne sorry, I did some digging and I know where Zayn lives.”

“You do?” Liam has to fight to not kiss Edith, but he grabs the piece of paper from her.

“Yes, thank goodness for people not being ex-directory and thank goodness for my lying skills.”

“You lied?” Liam laughs as she says it and Edith drops her gaze to the ground, biting at her lips but nods as Liam unfolds the paper.

“Notting Hill?” He asks, “is that a new part of Birmingham?”

“Mr. Payne, we’re not in Birmingham, we’re in London,” she looks confused and for the second time today someone places the back of their hand against Liam’s forehead.

Liam’s laugh is unconvincing even to his own ears, “Just testing Edith, oh and by the way stop calling me Mr. Payne, it’s Liam and of course I know am in London, been here for so long I was just playing.”

He looks down at the piece of paper then and he wonders if in all these years even in alien!liam land or whatever this world is, they’ve perfected the ability to click your fingers and be where you want to be in a second.

He tries it and of course it doesn’t work, and Edith’s head is cocked to one side, but he doesn’t care, he’s just got one thing on his mind, and so he presses a kiss to Edith’s forehead, mutters a thank you and then hears her saying something about meetings and he waves absentmindedly with just one thing on his mind.

Zayn.

**

Getting a taxi to stop takes too long for him to realise that sticking your leg out just makes people look at you oddly, the moment he throws his hands up in despair, a black vehicle that’s identical to so many other ones pulls up sharply next to where he’s stood.

He runs out of money about a mile away from the address on the piece of paper, but the taxi driver takes pity on him and draws a little map for how to get the rest of the way, and he finds it easily enough.

Zayn, if this is where he lives now, lives on a tree-lined street, with a shop on the corner and cars parked on the pavement, the houses aren’t modern, they’re old like in programmes Liam can remember his mum loved about servants and posh people.

He finds number 62, and looks for flat number 2, and it’s the best feeling in the world when he sees the surname Malik.

He presses the buzzer once, and there’s no answer, and it suddenly occurs to him that maybe Zayn doesn't live here anymore, maybe this is some trick or less dramatically maybe he’s just nd okay, he’ll wait forever if needs be but it’s something he hadn’t even thought of but just as his hopes ebb away, he tries one more time and this time he hears a voice, not just any voice.

“‘Ello, if that’s the film delivery company then push the door open otherwise bugger off, I’m not buying what you’re selling.”

Liam pushes the door open and sees a sign on the wall pointing upstairs to Flat 2, and he practically flies up the stairs and finds himself in front of an orange painted door which he knocks on once.

He hears footsteps from the other side of the door, and then the door opens, and Liam has to check the number of the flat again because it can’t be.

And yet, it is. He knows it is.

“You’re not carrying any photography equipment,” Zayn’s tone is hostile, “and I told you I wasn’t up for buying anything so I’m gonna ask you once nicely to go.”

Even if nothing else had confirmed it, the way Zayn’s voice and accent comes out so much stronger just like it always did when he was either pissed off or excited proves it’s him.

But everything else, the way Zayn looks, the way the first thing Liam sees are Zayn’s eyelashes, so many of them, and then his lips which are slightly chapped but full just like they always were but somehow so different.

It’s as though someone took hold of Zayn in the intervening years if any of this reality is real and chipped away at him, made what was perfect and amazing in personality, equally so in every other way.

“It’s me,” is all Liam can say.

Zayn blinks, looks unimpressed. “Who’s me?”

Liam starts to laugh, convinced that Zayn’s playing a joke on him and will draw him into his arms immediately and tell him he’s kidding, but then the laugh dies in Liam’s throat and he’s unsure now.

Liam is.

“Me Zaynie, your Liam.”

The door slams, and it’s like a kick to Liam’s stomach and he’s just wondering what he should do, should he bash the door down, should he collapse to the ground in tears or what, when the door opens again and Zayn’s there, head tilted to one side, still looking unimpressed but there and in front of Liam and he can’t help himself.

Liam throws himself at Zayn and Zayn stumbles backwards, and Liam breathes in his smell it’s familiar and yet new at the same time.

Vanilla but something else, something richer and not in wealth terms but something safer and different.

“Come in i guess,” Zayn mumbles from underneath Liam’s embrace but then Liam feels hands push him away and Zayn’s walking into his flat ahead of him and Liam looks around him, and it’s filled with framed photographs and then ornaments and plants, and there’s an award in the corner and Liam wants to look at it, wants to know everything about Zayn, this Zayn but something stops him.

Then Zayn starts speaking.

“Why are you here Liam?”

There’s a tone in Zayn’s voice that sets Liam as on edge as he was on the doorstep, that matches the unimpressed stare and that feeling in his stomach is back, except it’s not the feeling he remembers when he was around Zayn before, it’s this new uncomfortable, on edge feeling and that’s so wrong when Liam’s around Zayn.

“Cause I’m confused, cause everything’s on its head, and I was a teenager yesterday and now I’m here and Zayn, look at you, you’re so different, you’re grown up, and I need you to help me cause I’m losing my mind here but maybe I’m an alien, maybe you’re not real, maybe none of this is real except you seem real, you smell real.”

Zayn nods, bites at his lip.

“I hear your crew are into the weird weed type stuff, and I’m sorry you’re confused mate, but I can’t help, I’m not you, I’m not part of your life and so I’ll give you money for a taxi and make sure you get home safe but that’s it, that’s as far as we go,” he pauses for a moment apparently weighing up his words before he delivers the hammer blow to Liam’s stomach, Liam’s senses and Liam’s ability to stay upright, “I can go.”

Liam doesn’t know quite what happens next except he’s suddenly on a chair, and there’s a flannel on his forehead and Zayn’s urging him to sip slowly at the water in the cup that Zayn’s holding for him.

It takes Liam too long to find the words, or maybe he deliberately draws it out, he’s not sure which but if it’s the latter, he thinks he knows why because something tells him that whatever this world is and whatever reality it holds and however long he’ll be here, he can’t survive in this world without Zayn, and it’s as though whichever words he chooses next will decide if there’s any chance to live in this world with Zayn or at least to have the chance to breathe the same air as him.

“I don’t know what’s happened or what I’ve done, but right now I’m scared and I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing here.”

He knows he sounds pathetic and every second word, his voice breaks and Zayn’s face which is breathtaking, he’s got so much hair too, and it’s properly styled and begging to be touched but Liam doesn’t of course, the facial hair that had been threatening on his face from Liam’s last memory of him as a thirteen-year-old is showing properly now and it’s like Liam’s facial hair, but better like someone painted it on, or a sculptor and an artist and a painter designed this Zayn, seems to flow through a range of emotions and Zayn’s always been expressive and he thinks he’s failed, does Liam right till there’s a small intake of breath, and a soft smile and a “Well I can’t let you walk home when you just practically fainted on my floor can I?”

For the first time today it feels like Liam’s won.

**

London’s beautiful in the mid-afternoon sunlight, they walk next to each other, Liam and Zayn.

Silently for the most part, but it’s not completely uncomfortable till Liam attempts to make it that way.

“Did I see you at Christmas? I mean when I went home or?”

Zayn shakes his head.

“You haven’t been home in over eighteen months last I heard Liam, you spent last Christmas with all your mates in a cottage somewhere in Scotland, somewhere your mum couldn’t phone you.”

Liam wants to argue because the thought of not speaking to his mum once a day, never mind once a week or once a month is so alien but he’s stuck for breath.

Zayn stands still then, pointing to his left.

“This is where you live, right?”

“Yeah,” Liam tries frantically to think of something to say, something to keep Zayn from walking away, feels like each time he opens his mouth, he’s closer to losing him permanently.

“But Scotland’s so far away, why didn’t you come?”

It makes no sense, what Liam said or the way Zayn’s shoulders drop and he shakes his head but there’s no impatience, just a sad kind of smile and he throws his arm around Liam and says quietly, “I think we need to talk.”

Half an hour later and Liam’s discovered he likes cups of tea now, he likes the way Zayn makes them anyway piled high with four spoonfuls of sugar and he’s leafing through the book Zayn found on a bookshelf in Liam’s living room in this apartment that’s so unfamiliar to him but is apparently his home.

It’s a yearbook, filled with pictures of a younger Liam, and then there are pictures of Liam with other people, not just any other people.

Liam with Andy Samuels, Liam with his arms draped around Sophia Smith, Liam with all Andy’s crew and then in small font underneath each photo, a name.

Zayn Malik.

“I knew Andy,” Liam breathes out, “Andy was my friend, and Sophia.”

“Was your girlfriend,” confirms Zayn though he says it lifelessly, joylessly and Liam’s brain registers that but he’s too overwhelmed.

“Am I still in contact with Andy or? Oh my god.”

“Last I heard, you’re still massive pals, work together at that magazine you were always going on about, the nerdy superhero meets lifestyle one.”

It’s like a light bulb switches on in Liam’s head, “Sammo, bloody hell, why didn’t I recognise him?”

“Think he had his teeth fixed, and god knows what else.”

Liam grins and looks behind him at Zayn, expecting to see him smile but he’s shuffling awkwardly, staring at his feet, but Liam’s too full of the new information, this confirmation of a life he’s lived right here, the confirmation that Zayn lives in this life dispelling most, if not all his fears that he’s been replaced by an alien, and not just any life, the life he dreamed of as he continues to look through the book.

Then there’s the sound of a phone and he ignores it till Zayn’s handing him the handset and muttering, “Kinda helps if you answer your phone Li, you’ve not got any secretaries here to do that for you now.”

He doesn’t say it unkindly, but it’s without warmth, and for a moment it distracts Liam till the voice on the other end, talks of limos and a party and Soho and he practically flies through the air once he disconnects the phone.

“Me, a party, and a limo, Zayn can you believe my life?”

“I can yeah, listen I’d better go.”

“You can come you know, it’s just a party and parties won’t be fun without you, it’s at the Cafe Royal in Regents Street.”

Zayn nods, but Liam knows it’s without conviction and he’s running out of time again and Zayn’s opening the door of Liam’s flat and walking towards the lifts.

“Please?” Liam’s not above bribery, except it’s not with an offer of swapping comics this time, it’s the old way before they realised comics held the key to everything, it’s his eyes.

And Zayn’s glancing at him, shaking his head but then he says, “Maybe.”

Then he’s gone.

**

Liam’s flat is like a treasure trove of wardrobes and cupboards, it’s like a tardis and everywhere he turns there’s something new, but it’s when he walks through his bedroom and opens another door and sees racks and racks of shoes and shirts, and jackets and jeans and trousers that he can’t believe his eyes, or his luck.

An hour later and he’s put more cream on his face than his mum’s put on in her lifetime probably, he’s played around with three aftershaves till he got the right blend and then he’s put on an outfit that he hopes impresses and enough hair gel that he thinks a hurricane could blow just on himself and his hair wouldn’t shift at all.

The buzzer on his flat sounds about ten minutes later and he walks out the flat and into the lift, there’s a mirror in the lift and when he looks at his reflection, he starts to recognise himself or this version of him anyway.

Someone clears their throat behind him and he looks around and downwards, it’s a boy about his age he reckons, or well not this age but thirteen.

Small with spiky dirty blond hair.

“Hiya,” Liam says.

The look the kid gives him is one of surprise and he actually looks behind him.

“Why are you talking to me?” He’s got an accent, a distinctly Irish accent.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Liam responds.

“You never said hello to me before and I’m just a kid.”

Liam giggles, “Well so am I,” and if it’s possible the kid looks even more surprised, worried even and Liam realises his mistake, “was,” he corrects, “I’m Liam by the way.”

“Yeah i know, I’m Niall.”

The lift door opens and Liam and Niall walk out together, Niall just ahead and it’s then that Liam notices the backpack Niall’s got on his shoulder.

Not just any backpack, a Batman backpack.

“Love your bag Niall.”

Niall grins, blushing a bit, the look of surprise and worry ebbing away and so Liam takes a risk.

“I love superheroes too, got a million and one comics and figurines, you can borrow some if you want.”

“For real?”

Liam beams, “For real.”

As they part ways at the door and as Liam steps towards the limo, maybe he thinks that’s one thing good about being older, it’s easier to make friends at least.

London at night is as magical as he can remember the first time he, his mum and dad and his cousins went to a musical, it’s all bright lights, beeping horns, the hubbub of people everywhere except this time its people staring at him as he waves at them through the open window of the limo, checking to see if he’s someone famous.

The party is at an exclusive hotel, and Liam’s eyes can’t take in every sight, can’t take in how big the chandeliers are or how people call him, “Sir.”

The room isn’t just any room that they’re in either, it’s like something out of the movies, floor to ceiling windows, ornate designs on the ceiling, chandeliers with candles and mirrors which make the room look even bigger and a polished floor you could eat your dinner off.

In one corner there’s a bar, at the other end of the room is a booth where a DJ’s playing dance records, and around the room are people Liam recognises from even just one day of this life at Aspire.

He scans the room for Andy, aware of people staring at him, women mainly and he smiles politely dipping his head because he’s not used to it, he’s not used to attention like this except maybe the Liam in this world is but he can’t act that well so he’s so grateful when he finds him.

Feels more comfortable now, even though his last memory of Andy was of betrayal as a thirteen-year-old, something’s changed, enough that he became his best friend, enough that Liam took on the lead role of their gang and that has to count for something.

He’s dressed in a velvet suit, long hair cascading around his shoulders, and the shirt open to reveal tattoos.

Andy does a double take as he turns around.

“Woah Li, no one told me it was fancy dress night and here you are dressed like James Bond, nice threads dude.”

Liam beams, unused to praise like this, “Well, I prefer this version of Andy to the one who called me Paynearse.”

Andy’s laugh is loud and long, “Well I haven’t called you that since you promised to stop calling me wonky teeth so fair’s fair.”

“Oh about your teeth, they look good.”

“Not as good as you and your dick implants you knobhead now shut the fuck up and let’s party.”

Liam looks downwards cause, well surely not and there’s Andy’s laugh again.

“Got you looking, oh mate, I don’t think any of your boyfriends have had any complaints so chill out man.”

Boyfriends. Plural.

Liam’s about to ask, even though here isn’t the right setting, even though he has a feeling Andy’s the last person he should ask and yet, he needs to, needs to know his backstory, needs to know what changed, what was it that changed that need to conform to what everyone else did, that feeling that he had to be the same as others to fit in and if that meant kissing Sophia and falling in love or pretending to then so be it.

But then a hand slaps on his shoulder and then grabs hold of Andy’s and it’s Paul.

“Looking fabulous chaps, Mr 70s and James Bond himself, perfect for hobnobbing with this crowd, now go, circulate and make me proud.”

He pushes them forward and they fall into step together, moving through the crowd picking up a glass each from one of the serving staff and Liam’s about to take a sip when he hears Andy murmur, “Uh oh, trouble ahead.”

There’s a guy walking towards them, slicked back black hair, wide rimmed glasses and as he nears them, an unfortunate smell as he opens his mouth.

“Surprised they let you through the door Simon.”

Simon, whoever he is, sneers, “Try all the cutting comments you want Andrew my friend but looking around this place, you need all the guests you can get, and it still won’t be enough to top Inspire and maybe everything I need for you to end Aspire.”

Liam doesn’t know why Simon winks at him then, it makes him feel nervous for a moment but then he’s got this urge to say something and nothing can stop him.

“Thumper was right you know,” Andy and Simon both look sharply at Liam as he starts to speak, “If you can’t say nothing nice then don’t say nothing at all.”

Liam’s not sure who looks more surprised at what he just said, but it’s been his favourite phrase since well five years ago when he first saw Bambi which in this world terms makes it, 22 years ago and bloody hell that makes him feel old and so he takes a sip of the drink.

And okay, that’s another thing he forgot about being thirty in this world.

Alcohol tastes really weird, and makes your head swim and also makes you oblivious to what anyone else says and thinks and he’s sure he can hear Simon making some kind of rude remark and Andy telling him to go away but with added swear words but Liam’s too fascinated by the taste of whatever is in his drink to care.

Three drinks later and the fascination is beginning to wear off though the effects of the alcohol are really only starting to show themselves and he’s walking through the lounge area next to the ballroom when Andy grabs hold of him and pulls him to one side.

“It’s a bloody disaster, it’s half past eleven and everyone’s leaving already.”

“But it’s a weeknight, everyone’s got scho-I mean work tomorrow so what do you expect?”

“This party not to flop Liam for god's sake, get a grip.”

As they walk into the ballroom together, Paul’s there cajoling people who are trying to leave to not go but he fails and as they walk away swiftly, he throws his hands up in the air.

“We’re screwed boys, utterly screwed, what do we do?”

Liam looks around the room, it’s not empty but there are pockets of people sat at tables, playing on their phones, or people talking at the bar while the DJ plays music with no lyrics, just mindless music that’s all thump thump thump and all the while, the dance floor stays empty.

“Well, you sort out the music for starters, wait here.”

As Liam approaches the DJ booth, it dawns on him that maybe the DJ won’t even have the song, and he’ll have to go back tail between his legs and just watch as the party dies and so does his career but as he reaches the booth and gestures the DJ towards him and says the title, the man nods and there’s silence for a moment as Liam turns around and walks towards the dancefloor.

Andy and Paul close in slightly but Liam can see them looking at each other, and Liam when he was a kid always heard his parents talk about Dutch courage and he’s had a few drinks and yet it feels like it deserts him right now and he shrugs apologetically to no one in particular. .

But then it starts and well here goes nothing.

‘Everybody yeah, rock your body yeah, everybody yeah, rock your body right, Backstreet’s back, alright.’

He moves his hands, drops them down, sways from side to side and every single step he takes feels like it sounds too loud, there’s murmuring and people nudging each other but that’s it.

And he wants the ground to swallow him whole, wants the spotlight that’s on him now to fade away.

Then he sees him, it’s like he emerges as though he’s a sun coming from behind the clouds, except he’s the sun dressed in a pair of skinny jeans, and a sweater and trainers that make him look so out of place and yet like the greatest, most important sight Liam will ever see.

“Zayn, come here, come here, it’s Backstreet Boys.”

Zayn shakes his head, emphatically at first, but then as Liam carries on but keeps gesturing and then as Liam juts out his bottom lip and plasters on the best puppy dog eyes he’s ever displayed, all the fight seems to leave Zayn and he’s there next to Liam.

And they’re dancing and it’s like it was back in 1999 or the first time they heard the song, and the first time Liam knew the dance and persuaded a reluctant Zayn to learn it with him.

They’re in sync and it’s perfect and it’s like the years never intervened and this world is suddenly not so bad after all.

Then more and more people join in and as Liam looks around him, he sees Edith grinning and the crowd cheering her and then more and more people join and Andy comes over and Liam exchanges a glance with Zayn who’s still smiling.

Liam doesn’t know what changes things, doesn’t understand how it can go from Paul beaming from ear to ear and well over half of the previously bored party goers dancing along to the Backstreet Boys all while Liam dances right next to Zayn and how it can change in the blink of an eye, but it does and Zayn stops and so does Liam, and he hears Zayn mumble an apology and say that he has to go and then he’s gone and Liam’s instinct is to run after him but then Paul grabs hold of his hand and twirls him around and applauds him and everyone dances and it’s like magic and all because of Liam.

Somehow he forgets that Zayn’s not part of it, and there’s a voice inside him saying, maybe that’s where this all went wrong.

**

Liam discovers that life’s different over the next week or two but that’s not all that bad, he gets to understand that what he thought were small tv screens are actually minicomputers that he can watch films on, find out all about what magazine publishing and writing are about and he discovers the wonders of credit cards.

Of staying up late, and drinking coffee and it’s all he ever dreamed of.

And yet why does he feel like something’s missing?

It’s a Saturday night when Liam goes out with Andy and they’re sat in a bar drinking Liam’s newly discovered favourite cocktail, a Pina Colada when Andy nudges Liam’s knee with his finger.

“I think he likes you.”

“Who?”

“The guy at twelve o’clock.”

Liam glances at his watch and looks up at Andy, confused, “But it’s half ten?”

“Oh Liam, no behind you directly where 12 o’clock would be on a watch or a clock.”

Liam looks around again and sees what Andy means except he doesn’t because actually he's paying no attention but Andy knows best, Andy’s been around the block or so he likes to tell Liam over and over and yeah, okay, Andy’s experience is with women but he trusts him.

Kind of.

“You think it’s worth a shot?”

“Go for it,” Andy’s smile is encouraging and so Liam takes a breath, jumps off the stool and walks in the direction of 12 o’clock.

He reminds Liam of someone familiar though he can’t think who but as he approaches the table, the boy looks up.

“I like the look of your pizza,” as chat up lines go it’s not the best but the boy who’s about Liam’s age he thinks smiles anyway.

“I’ll give you a slice.”

“Only if you give me your number,” Liam rubs the back of his neck as he says it, then bites at his lip and he actually think he’s in there but then he’s being pulled backwards and Andy’s hissing in his ear.

“You absolute fucking weirdo Paynearse Jesus, not a kid, that bloke.” And he’s gesturing towards a guy with slicked-back blond hair but he’s definitely not Liam’s type and Liam scoffs before Andy pushes him out into the fresh air.

“What am I gonna do with you?” Andy’s shaking his head before he starts to laugh, “Saved by the bell, quite literally, there’s your boyfriend.”

Liam looks over in the direction Andy’s pointing, and it’s the guy from his apartment, except this time he’s fully clothed.

“He’s my boyfriend?”

Andy shrugs, “Listen, mate, who knows with you but yeah, as of recently then for now at least he seems to be.”

Liam stares at the man who’s currently surrounded by people having their picture taken with him and Liam just has to look quizzically at Andy for him to roll his eyes and explain.

“He’s a Premiership footballer, plays for Arsenal and even though he keeps missing penalties somehow people still love him.”

Liam’s about to ask something else when he hears his name being called and he looks up in the direction of his ‘boyfriend’ but the voice comes from behind him rather than across the road.

“Li? That you?”

Liam spins around and there’s Zayn, looking nervous but smiling nevertheless.

“Zayn, oh my god, it’s so good to see you.”

“Listen, sorry for the other week, I just- well you know me, dancing ain’t my thing and well-.” Zayn shrugs. Does this little shy embarrassed laugh, and he’s so much of a mix of the Zayn Liam remembers but then he’s this different Zayn now.

“That’s alright - God, no you helped more than-.”

Liam stops talking as a woman steps into the light and links arms with Zayn who doesn’t jerk away but instead smiles at her before glancing at Liam for a moment then averts his eyes.

“Who’s this?” the woman asks.

“This is Liam.”

“Oh my god, hello, well you were such a blast from the past when Zayn mentioned you and gosh it’s so good to put a face to a name,” she’s leaning forward, the hand that’s free outstretched to shake Liam’s.

She looks expectantly at Zayn then, even as she’s shaking Liam’s hand. Liam doesn’t know why but Zayn looks flustered and she laughs, though not with any edge, just amusement.

“Oh he’s always so terrible at introductions, I’m Louisa, Zayn’s fiance.”

“Fiance?” Liam repeats but as a question because even if everything else is real, that word and this woman don’t seem real and it’s as though a door’s been slammed shut in Liam’s face just like from when he found Zayn in this world except this time it’s permanent.

But that’s stupid because who’s to say that the door was ever open anyway, that Zayn as a thirteen-year-old never seemed interested in anything except music and photography as it was, and Liam had spent his time trying to be interested in Sophia.

And Louisa?

Well as she drops her hand from Liam’s and smiles, she and Zayn look right together, she’s shorter than him but only just, dark blonde hair and brown eyes, she looks warm, she seems warm and that’s what Zayn deserves.

“Yeah,” she nods snuggling closer to Zayn, “Finally persuaded him, just me, him, a few family members and old friends and in not that many days I’ll be Mrs. Malik, and then in a month we’ll be living in Australia.”

“Mrs Malik? Australia?” Liam practically squeaks out the words and he just imagined Zayn wincing.

Didn’t he?

He should say something supportive, something adult and something that conveys how happy he should be for Zayn, but it’s like he’s caught up in thirteen-year-old Liam again.

“But you hate flying and you hate spiders and the sea, so surely you’ll hate Australia?”

He knows he doesn’t imagine the softness in Zayn’s eyes then but it’s not like sympathy, Liam knows it isn’t and he’s just about to try and pull out words that may be a thirty-year-old would say when.

“Baby, sorry to keep you, you score a goal from a corner and suddenly the whole world wants your autograph and picture now who are these fine people?”

The footballer plants his hand on Liam’s waist then and he smells of strong aftershave, almost overpowering but Liam somehow chokes down a cough, focuses his gaze on Zayn who looks between Liam and the guy, and it’s an almost imperceptible nod but Liam sees it nevertheless before Liam focuses on the floor instead.

“Not going to introduce us then baby?”

Louisa’s giggling and saying something about how Liam and Zayn are the worst at introductions and Liam raises his eyes upwards then to meet Zayn’s and it’s like old times for a moment as Zayn raises his eyebrows and Liam does the same but then at the squeeze on his waist, he tries to recover a bit.

“Errr yeah, sorry this is Zayn and his girlf-I mean fiance Louisa, and guys this is, erm.”

It’s absurd that Liam doesn’t even know the name of the guy next to him, even weirder that he doesn’t even care but Zayn’s leaning forward and reaching out a hand.

“I know of you, not a big football fan but my best mate Louis is and congrats on the call-up to the England squad too, Steve.”

Louisa gasps, “Oh my god I thought I recognised you, Steve Ransome, I have to tell my dad that I met you, he’ll be so jealous.”

Steve practically fizzes with delight as he removes his hand from Liam’s waist and leans forward to shake Zayn’s hand and then kisses Louisa on the cheek.

And Liam should find it within him to be proud, to focus on Steve and yet he can’t take his eyes from Zayn’s.

It’s a strange kind of silence once the introductions are over, as if someone, anyone, wants or needs an excuse to move, to leave and it takes Andy clearing his throat and moving forward, and for the first time truly since Liam entered this world, showing some of school Andy to force the issue.

“Didn’t recognise you there Malik, puberty did a pretty decent number on you I suppose.”

Zayn doesn’t even blink as he replies quick as a flash, “Not as good as the number the dentist did on you.”

Liam doesn’t even need to look at Andy to know he reels a little, and in his head he silently congratulates Zayn but he doesn’t have time to dwell on it cause Andy stepping forward is all the excuse Zayn needed.

“Anyway, we’ve got dinner reservations so we’d best go, nice to meet you mate, great to see you, Liam.”

And then he’s gone, arms linked with Louisa and not sparing one glance backwards.

Liam has to dig his heels in firmly to the ground to stop himself following Zayn, running after him and begging him to not leave his side.

“Mind if I take this guy home, celebrate my goal privately Sammo?”

The squeeze of Liam’s waist makes him flinch but brings him back to the two men around him and where he and Steve stand together while Andy curls his lip and laughs, but it’s not gentle or nice in the way that Zayn or even Louisa laugh, it’s wicked and it makes Liam feel cold inside.

“Be my guest, got places to go to myself, so have fun you two.” Andy’s already walking towards the door and leaving Liam with just Steve.

Liam doesn’t even care that Steve is stood next to him as he shouts to Andy “Wait, you’re leaving me, just us two.”

Andy’s at the door of the bar when he turns around, and nods.

“I think you’re pretty safe with that man there Liam, so go have fun.”

Fun.

**

Fun isn’t what Liam’s having half an hour later as he shrinks into the corner of the settee while Steve sings from his kitchen, out of tune, and dances in a way that’s creepy to Liam and he keeps beckoning Liam towards him or that’s what Liam thinks his intention is the way he keeps waggling a finger and saying.

“Don’t be shy baby.”

And, baby?

It’s funny how a word like that can feel so wrong when it falls from one person’s mouth, and yet a similar word, babe that Zayn always used to call him, it made Liam feel comforted even in his darkest moments.

This feels like one of his darkest moments and it occurs to him that the Liam he is or was in this world saw something in Steve but the Liam that’s stumbled into this world is at a loss as to what it could be.

Steve’s style if you can call it that, is too much, the way he walked into the apartment leaving Liam alone and came back smelling as if he’d raided a whole aftershave shop is too much.

It’s not intoxicating in a good way and maybe the Liam that existed in this world appreciated the over the top large TV screen that descends from the ceiling, and maybe that Liam appreciated the way that Steve’s hair is slicked back with more oil than on your average oil rig but this Liam?

This Liam just wants out.

Too soon, Steve’s dancing in front of him, spilling drink on the floor and Liam tries to focus on the art on the walls but everywhere he looks Steve moves into his eyeline before he sighs dramatically and he’s on the settee next to Liam and Liam tries to move further away but he’s got no more settee to move away from him and a hand falls on Liam’s thigh and maybe it won’t be so bad.

Maybe he can grin and bear it, he’s 30 now, it’s not even his first time surely in this world but that doesn’t make him feel any better and as Steve’s lips find his neck, he can’t do it.

Won’t do it, and he’s running out the door before he even realises he’s doing it and he doesn’t think even if he showers one hundred times before work tomorrow, he’ll ever get the smell of aftershave off him.

It’s not quite one hundred showers, but by the next morning and by the time he leaves his apartment, finally he has the smell of Steve off him, it takes Liam ignoring 20 calls for Steve to somehow get the message that Liam isn’t interested.

“He’s a loser then?” Niall asks as they step out from the apartment block and into daylight.

“A massive loser Nialler, you really are better off without any relationships at all, just stick to your guitar and you won’t go wrong.”

“I can do that.”

“Have fun in PE,” Liam calls as he walks forward to his car.

“Have fun at work.” Niall sings back.

Maybe today’s going to be okay after all.

**

Famous last words.

It’s all fine in the boardroom, ideas being thrown around by all the senior team, and it’s relaxed and Liam’s warming to it, contributing his own taglines and ideas for stories.

Till Paul walks in and stands behind Liam leaning against the windowsill.

“We’re screwed,” Paul’s holding a piece of paper which he glances at just once, “The shareholders are saying that we need to change, otherwise Aspire will die, and Inspire will rise and it’s as simple as that.”

Voices rise all around Liam, confusion, and anger, and Liam turns around in his chair then, noticing as he turns around that Andy’s eyeing him for a moment before he quickly averts his gaze.

“So what do we do?” asks someone from the other side of the table.

“We change, we move with the times, we.”

“Redesign?” finishes Andy.

Paul just nods.

There’s a flurry of noise around Liam again, questions about why they have to change when they were the originals and Liam listens, takes it all in but then he’s standing up and he’s as surprised as anyone, as he pushes his chair to the side and stands next to Paul.

“Don’t you see, this is our chance to embrace change, to become what we’ve always wanted to be, to really Aspire and to make the best of everything.”

Paul’s nodding approvingly, arm around Liam’s shoulder, “He’s right you know, now go out and embrace it.”

Twenty minutes later when Liam’s sat in his office, the bravado deserts him, it’s just him, the office and a million and one vague ideas floating around in his head.

The look Andy was giving him troubles him, and he’s not even sure why but he needs to think up ideas, that’s why he’s worked here for so long, that’s why he’s worked his way up the ranks and Andy’s been right there with him so the creativity’s in there, it has to be, he just has to pull it out, make it happen.

He opens the exercise book, picks up his Ironman pen and starts to doodle when there’s a knock on his door and it’s Edith.

“Mr Payne,” at Liam’s small shake of the head she smiles for a moment, “Sorry, Liam, Carly’s here.”

“Carly who?” Liam asks though he stands up anyway.

“Nick from Sales’s wife,” Edith explains as a woman pushes past her and there’s this look of annoyance on Edith’s face but then Carly is pushing the door shut in Edith’s face.

Carly is like the double of Sophia, that’s the first thing Liam notices, he doesn’t have a chance to notice anything else though as her lips are on his before he can say a word, she smells of expensive perfume, and somewhere in Liam’s head, he thinks of Steve, he thinks of why people in his life who want a piece of him don’t know the meaning of using fragrance in moderation.

He thinks of Zayn, but then he’s brought crashing back to earth when he thinks of Nick from Sales and it’s instinct that pushes him to push her away from him.

Carly looks confused.

“Oh Liam, it’s been so long, don’t be like this.”

“Don’t be like what, I work with your husband, you can’t come in here kissing me like this.”

“You weren’t saying that a few weeks back, you were definitely not saying that a few weeks back,” Carly moves a step closer, places her hand on Liam’s shoulder and her lips are almost on his again.

“Well, let’s just say things have changed,” and he pushes her away.

“Fuck you then, fuck you and your teasing ways, I know you’re fucking some footballer, and you can’t expect me to keep coming back to you just because you buy me a nice handbag each time, you can’t expect me to be prepared to keep up appearances for you when you can’t be bothered to even give me the time of day anymore.”

That thought Liam had this morning that today was going to be a good day?

It’s like a sick joke now, and he shakes his head, mumbles, “You’re wrong, I’m wrong, and I’m sorry - I have to go,” and he hears her words, she’s still swearing but Liam can’t be here anymore and he leaves her in the office, walks out and for a moment he catches Edith’s eye and there’s approval there somewhere but why and how?

He doesn’t get it, he can’t breathe and he just needs to be anywhere else so he keeps on walking, has to get away and that’s fine until he stops because he’s breathless and he needs to collect this thoughts.

“Whatever we do, we do it on the QT, and we don’t tell Liam.”

“Gotcha.”

Liam shrinks into the space in the corridor next to the break room but he can still hear every word.

“He’s changed though hasn’t he?” a third voice.

“Honestly, and I don’t know what or why, whether he’s having a breakdown or whatever, but I don’t want to be part of his mess anymore, we find our way, we change Aspire together and we leave him for dust, got it?”

It doesn’t even need Liam to see that it’s Andy, and Tara and Tom who leave the kitchen area, and somehow it doesn’t even come as a surprise, but suddenly Liam’s tired.

And he has to be somewhere else, and so as Andy and the others walk up the corridor one way, Liam walks in the opposite direction just looking for one thing.

One person.

**

Liam doesn’t bother getting a taxi this time, and he’s only been once before but his brain’s like it’s on autopilot and he finds himself in Notting Hill without getting lost even once.

And It’s as though Zayn’s not surprised, the main doors already partially open so Liam doesn’t even have to press the buzzer and Zayn opens his own door before Liam’s even stopped knocking.

The smile on Zayn’s face even falls as he sees the way Liam’s shoulders are slumped and before Liam can even register, he’s been guided outside and into the fresh air.

They fall into step together so naturally, and walk in silence for a few minutes, Liam trying to find words for everything that’s in his head, trying to understand what he is, who he is and trying not to run away from a realisation he’s not sure he wants to confront.

“Not long and you’ll be married,” he says, and he nudges into Zayn as he does so, scarcely able to believe it but now he says it, now he says it out loud it feels real.

“Yep,” is all Zayn says.

“She seems lovely, amazing, just different from what I expected, is she everything you ever wanted?”

Zayn makes a strange kind of noise, half laugh, half sigh, “Eh, I think everything I ever wanted was unrealistic anyway Li, or what I thought I wanted ever was, and she’s as near as I could possibly get to it once the everything I wanted slipped from my fingers.”

Liam takes in Zayn’s words, doesn’t know what to say exactly except everything, seventeen years lost and he knows exactly what he wants to say but to get there, there’s something else that he needs to confront first.

“What happened Zayn? What changed us from being able to complete each other sentences, the only ones able to make sense of each other to not even talking for years?”

Zayn shakes his head, “It’s in the past Li, it’s water under the bridge, it’s gone.”

“Not for me it isn’t,” Liam stops then and reaches out to Zayn, scared to touch him but needing to, “Listen Zayn, I don’t know what’s happened, I don’t know if I’m living in some kind of alternate reality or whatever but I’m here in a world that’s not with you as part of my life except for here and now and maybe I banged my head and I’ll wake up tomorrow as a thirteen-year-old again but if I don’t and I’m stuck here and if I’m stuck where I am without people who matter to me then what’s the point, so please tell me.”

Zayn’s quiet for a moment as though he’s weighing up words, but then there’s a small brief nod.

“You changed, simple as that Liam, you chased what you always wanted and left behind what wasn’t important.”

“Wait, what, but you’re important, you always were.”

“Ah but thirteen-year-old Liam didn’t see it that way, thirteen-year-old Liam got angry at his birthday party, got tired of geeky soft stupid idiot Zayn who made you a Batcave and then tossed it at Zayn, and Liam chased and won Andy, chased and won Sophia and never looked happy but even if I tried to say that even if as I took photographs of you with these people and the smile never reached your eyes, not that way in it did before, you wouldn’t be told, you wouldn’t listen and we never spoke again, just like that.”

It’s hard to take in, this reality of Liam’s and yet he’s not even surprised, somehow it all makes perfect sense, horrible sense but the most sense since he landed in this mess and words tumblr from his mouth.

“Do you know who I am right now Zayn? I’m someone who dates guys openly, and yet, someone who fucks women, married women, I’m someone who hangs around with friends who talk behind my back and I was doing the same recently and I turned my back on one person who cared, I don’t even have one picture of me and my parents at home, this is me, and I'm glad you aren’t in my life anymore because I'm not worthy of you.”

The hand that cups Liam’s cheek is so tender, and Liam wants to give in, he aches so badly to give in, and the look in Zayn’s eyes is so kind, it’s Zayn as he was when they were kids reassuring Liam that he was always enough for Zayn even if others didn’t see what he was worth.

He’s aware that it’s Zayn as he’s always been because Zayn isn’t the one who’s changed.

But he can’t give in because he doesn’t deserve to, you make your bed and you lie in it.

So Liam takes a step backwards and as tears threaten to overwhelm him, he makes sure he gets one thing right at least today.

“I’m so sorry Zayn, if I could turn the clock back I would but believe me I’m so sorry.”

He thinks he hears Zayn say that it’s okay, and he believes him but he turns around and he hears his name being called and he starts to run, needs to be alone.

Deserves to be alone.

And it’s cold even with the radiator on in the apartment, even though it’s summer it’s too cold and he realises that it’s not a home, it’s a collection of furniture and arty pieces on the wall, and okay there are superhero figurines and comics but they’re not touched, it’s cold and Liam’s tired and he just wants to go home, to an actual home.

**

Wolverhampton smells of countryside, smells of horse manure combined with a smell of city life not far away.

It smells of home and it’s cold today, a typical late summer’s day with rain and showers but it feels better and more like what Liam’s familiar with than even the warmest day in London.

He pays the taxi driver who beams gratefully as Liam leaves just a quid extra for a tip and slams the door and stands in front of his house.

It’s just like it always was, plants everywhere in the garden, hanging baskets by the front door and as he reaches into his coat and pulls out the key, he’s so glad to be back.

He steps through the door and it’s how he remembers it, pictures everywhere on the walls, ones of him and his parents, ones of him and his cousins and family, and even though there’s no one in the house, it’s warm and it’s cosy.

He walks up the stairs, and across the landing, and it’s had a lick of paint or two but it’s the same lilac shade it always was and then he opens the door of his room, and it’s not as though he expected them to have never changed it because even from thirteen to whatever age he left home, it would’ve changed a bit surely but as he walks in, his room is painted beige, and there’s a computer in front of him, and pictures of his mum and dad but and his mum and dad with his cousins but there’s nothing of him.

And as he walks through the rest of the house, he realises that all the pictures of him were from when he was still at school and even then a lot of them after he was thirteen are of him alone or with Andy or Sophia or people he doesn’t even know the names of.

But that’s okay and somehow he manages to keep a lid on things till he walks through the kitchen and opens the door, beyond it and on the left is the utility room and in front of him is the garage and as he peers through the window into the garage, it’s piled high with boxes but he can see in the corner, the CD player and if he shuts his eyes he can see the table as it was laid out for his party, and he can see Zayn dancing along to Placebo and he can see Andy’s face and Sophia’s boredom, but he shuts his eyes tries to blink it away and that’d be fine except his hand betrays him and so does his body as he opens the door to the utility room and its shelves are piled high still, and he turns on the light switch, and shuts the door behind him.

Liam finds a space on the ground, draws his knees up to just under his chin and rocks back and forth.

Tears don’t fall immediately, but memories come flooding back, not just old memories but the new ones, Andy’s words, Carly’s words, this life whatever it is right now comes at him like a ton of bricks and he can’t stop the tears then, doesn’t want to stop them.

He doesn’t know how long he stays like that, doesn’t hear the sound of the front door opening and closing, doesn’t hear his parents shouting out “Hello, who’s here?”

Doesn’t even notice they’re in front of him, till arms surround him, and he hears “Oh Liam, are you okay?”

And all he can do is shake his head because no, he isn’t.

Sleep comes eventually that night, and for a while, he contemplates sleeping in the same bed as his parents, but he stops himself when he stands at their bedroom door and sees them wrapped up in each other but it’s enough to feel comfort.

And that night, he dreams of memories of being a kid, planting flowers and vegetables with his dad in the back garden while Zayn would peer over the fence from next door and say, “You’ve missed a bit.”

The first thought Liam has when he wakes is that he’s missed a lot. Too much.

He has breakfast with his mum, banana sandwiches while she plays David Essex’s album in the background, tells him all the gossip from everyone around where they live and it’s still the same people who live here.

And he doesn’t why he does it but as he puts down his now empty mug, it’s the most natural thing in the world to reach his hand across to his mum’s and squeeze it and it’s quiet when she says it, but it feels so warm and so comforting and he knows he’s forgiven when she says simply.

“Welcome home Liam, welcome home.”

**

Liam finds his dad in the greenhouse in the garden half an hour later.

“Need a hand?” he asks.

Geoff looks up, surprise written all over his face but he quickly smiles and nods and says “Yeah, grab hold of that compost bag behind you and fill these pots if you don’t mind.”

“Sure,” .

He does as he’s asked and Geoff instructs him, shows him how to do a few and so Liam copies his dad, fills a couple of pots and Geoff watches him silently, and then murmurs, “That’s it son, well done.”

They carry on in silence for a few more minutes until there are no more pots to fill and Liam can’t keep quiet any longer.

“I don’t know how or why I lost touch Dad, but I’m sorry I did, I’m sorry I changed who I was and what you and mum tried to make me, I’m not even sure who I am anymore, I think I spent so many years trying to be someone else that others wanted and lost sight of who was important and I just-.”

Geoff’s hand falls on top of Liam’s.

“You don’t owe us an apology son, it takes people a long time to find themselves sometimes, and you were up against more than I think me and your mum could ever understand, and I always knew that you would come back to us one day, me and your mum just want you to be happy whoever that’s with and we love you no matter what, you just need to realise that.”

“I just worry it’s too late for me to change, and don’t even know where to start but I just want to make you proud.”

Liam’s not sure what it is about him that makes people want to cup his cheek but for the second time in 24 hours someone’s doing it except as his dad turns Liam round to face him, and his hand reaches up, Liam doesn’t take a step back.

Doesn’t think his dad would let him anyway.

“Listen to me Liam James, me and your mum have never stopped being proud of you, and we never will whatever you do, maybe in all this the secret’s to find out what makes you proud of you, and that’s what’ll make you happiest and we’ll be here to help you when it seems too hard, and to cheer you on when you get to that place cause you will I know it.”

Maybe it’s just that the greenhouse has a dust problem, but Liam’s doesn’t try and stop the tears falling but he laughs through it and lifts a hand up to cover his dad’s.

“Since when did you get to be so wise?” he teases and Geoff laughs and in amongst the tears that still fall, Liam smiles as Geoff replies.

“Since the moment you learned to answer back, now stop being cheeky and wait there, I’ve got plenty more pots that need filling with compost while you’re still here and making yourself useful.”

**

Liam heads home the next day, a head full of thoughts, a stomach filled with warmth, with a suitcase full of photos, full of memories and drawings and a plan of what to do next and how to make things right.

How to change his world, and maybe help those around him.

He spends all night working on it, surrounds himself with photos and words, scribbles ideas down and then crosses them out, and sends a few emails and gets replies and then sends just one text message.

The next morning on Hampstead Heath, it’s a beautiful day, all the people he invited and all the props are here, just one person’s missing and they’re late.

There are others of course, and he’s got their numbers just in case, it just won’t be as special without him.

But then he hears the sound of footsteps running and he should’ve known, Zayn always had a habit of being late and he’s smiling as he approaches Liam and it could be awkward after the last time but somehow it isn’t.

“You brought everything?”

Zayn nods, and Liam can see the backpack he’s carrying behind him then just as Zayn gestures to where all the people are gathered.

“Not seen the Heath as busy as this at this time of the morning in ages, what’s going on?”

“We’re doing a photoshoot, and well that’s not just the royal we, if you’re up for it anyway.” Liam pulls the envelope from his jacket pocket and hands it to Zayn.

“It might help with the wedding fund as well?”

Zayn opens the envelope and his jaw falls open, “Liam what? I’m flattered mate, but my photography and your magazine, I just, why?”

“Cause things are changing, and I need your help and I know that that’s a lot to ask and I know I’ve no right to ask bu-.”

A finger against Liam’s lips stops him talking.

“Just like old times, just tell me what you want and I’m all yours Liam.”

Turns out that in Liam’s mind, Aspire focuses only now on what’s to be aspired to, so flash cars, expensive suits, posh holiday destinations and articles about the people who play superheroes but forgot long ago that superheroes and gadgets, and toys and having fun in life was what it was for, that’s why a twelve-year-old Liam read it.

And he wants to change it, make it something that kids can read, whether they’re eleven or twelve or thirty or forty, whether it’s a dad and lad reading it, or kids putting pictures on their walls and saying, “That’s what I want but I don’t want to forget fun while I’m at it.”

So Liam hired props, lightsabers, men dressed as Chewbacca, kids as Ewoks, Batman and Robin, and more gadgets than he can shake a stick at.

And families and couples and not just the nuclear family, the ideal family but families like what Liam wants one day, what he knows he wants and has always in the back of his mind known is more for him.

It’s him, and it’s his mind and it’s being true to himself he thinks for the first time in forever in this world.

And day falls into night, and it’s like old times but better with Zayn, it’s getting told off by everyone else as they get distracted with squabbling over who would be Batman or Robin, underhand tactics as Zayn beats Liam in a lightsaber fight and it’s walking back together to Zayn’s flat and watching over his shoulder as each photograph develops and putting them all out on the kitchen table and realising it’s better than he could have imagined.

Zayn’s changed into an open-necked shirt now, and Liam notices the tattoos on his chest, feathers he thinks they are, and he wants to ask about them, wants to ask about all the tattoos on his arms too and he’s on the edge of a diving board about to step off and it’s like

It’s breathing in the same air as Zayn that’s intoxicating and if Liam doesn’t get fresh air right now, he’ll do something he regrets.

“You know what would be really like old times,” he says.

“What’s that?” asks Zayn distractedly as he neatly places the photographs in a pile and hands them to Liam.

“Gobstoppers and popping candy.”

Zayn laughs, “Yeah god, that’d take me back.”

“I know a corner shop ten minutes walk away that sells just those things.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Twenty minutes later and they’re walking through Ladbroke Square Garden, nudging into each other unable to talk as they each have a gobstopper in their mouth, nearing the playground and finding a swing each next to each other, raising their eyebrows at each other and kicking at each other’s feet like they’re still ten not thirty.

Eventually, they get bored and bite into the gobstoppers and thankfully their adult teeth don’t break and they stand up on the swings but then Liam sees the long jump pit.

“Bet you I’ll jump further than you?”

“If you do, then pizza on me tomorrow.”

“Deal.”

“And then a celebration meal for when your idea wins approval, yeah?”

“A week on Thursday any good for you?”

Zayn’s smile is his agreement and Liam doesn’t tell Zayn but he’s already decided he’s going to let him win the long jump. he doesn’t realise that fate had already decided that anyway when he loses his footing and ends up head first in the sand.

He hears, “Oh my god Liam are you okay?” except for the first time in this life, it’s not Liam but Leeyum that he hears.

And he’s being turned over gently and Zayn’s above him and Liam pulls him nearer until their lips are so close, and then Zayn shivers and Liam’s voice is low but tender.

“You should’ve said if you were cold, love.”

And he smoothes a hand across Zayn’s arm where the tattoos are, where he sees the L and the Z next to each other and logically he knows it’s for Louisa and Zayn, but as he meets Zayn’s eyes just for a moment, perhaps not.

Zayn knows what to do, how to bring Liam back, except throw him out of sync all over again.

“Love?” Zayn smiles as he says it but his voice is low, gentle and full of something that Liam had forgotten he wanted and needed, maybe had never even realised, “Okay then babe, I’m cold.”

Their lips close in on each others then, and it’s just for a moment, too fleeting except Liam thinks he could live to be three hundred years old and kiss four million other lips and he would still remember how Zayn lips felt against his own.

But it’s like a spell is broken, it’s over too soon and before Liam can even try and warm Zayn, the weight eases from above him and Zayn’s stood up and running a hand through his hair.

“I’d better go.”

Liam wants to say about pizza tomorrow but he stays on the ground, and just nods and watches Zayn walk away.

And he shivers, but then draws a finger to his own lips and shuts his eyes, remembers and just like that he’s warm again.

**

Over the next few days, Liam works with Edith and Harry one of the junior editors who’d quietly offered to lend a hand when no one else did on his redesign and slowly but surely it comes to shape.

Liam doesn’t see Zayn, and maybe somehow it’s better, or at least it’s less distracting and each night, he perfects his pitch, each night he stays late and he’s aware that along the corridor at the other end, Andy’s doing the same.

All too soon, it’s Wednesday and Edith and Harry went home hours ago and he’s happy, just one more run through tonight at home, and then another in the morning and it's as ready as it’ll ever be.

The lift is already open by the time Liam runs to catch it, and Andy’s there when Liam steps inside.

They say nothing until both of them start to speak and Liam tells Andy to go first.

“Yeah, just wanted to say and I’m guessing you know given it’s just tomorrow, but my redesign idea is complete and I just thought it’d better to do it myself like I needed my own page, my own ideas.”

Liam times it to perfection just as the lift arrives on the ground floor and he’s already walking backwards out the door as he nods and says, “Good idea man, cause I'm presenting tomorrow too, may the best man win.”’

**

The next day brings with it nerves by the bucketload and coffee by the dozen because Liam doesn’t sleep a wink, but it’s not just that he’s consumed with thoughts of the presentation, it’s one other thing.

One person. And the thought of seeing him, and even though the last time they saw each other ended in a complicated way, it’s given Liam time to think, and he knows what to say.

But first things first, and he arrives at the office, greets Maggie the receptionist who isn’t surprised anymore that he remembers her name now.

He finds Harry and Edith in a room downstairs, gives one final run-through and Harry’s grinning the whole way through while Edith clasps her hands together.

And once he’s finished he’s wrapped up in hugs and murmurs of “Man that was sick,” from Harry and the words that mean so much from Edith.

“Time was I wouldn’t use Aspire as even something to rest my teacup or mugs on, now I think I know what I’ll be buying all my sons and grandsons for Christmas.”

Liam shakes his head, incredulous that people are saying this, that Edith’s saying this, that this woman who the old Liam had turned into someone scared to voice their opinion is now someone he counts as a friend.

And okay, that brings with it the fact that Andy’s someone who’s been part of his life for so long and yet what he knows of this life, and what he remembers of his old life, it fits.

At least it show things can change.

He looks at the clock, it’s just turned half-past ten and in the room above them, Andy’s doing his pitch, has been doing it for twenty minutes and Liam’s got no way of knowing how it's going, doesn’t want to know even.

Another couple of minutes pass by and it’s silent in the room, but then without warning, the room shakes, he hears the sound of a yell and he thinks he’s imagined it except Edith and Harry look startled too and another few minutes pass till Sonya, Paul’s secretary is white-faced as she appears at the door and opens it.

“For the sake of Aspire, I hope you have a plan Liam, ten minutes and you can go and prepare and then at 11 am, the floor’s yours.”

**

It’s funny Liam thinks how minutes can crawl by sometimes and yet when you need time, it flies and Liam’s in the middle of the two right now, he’s in the boardroom now. Edith and Harry sat closest to him, and everyone else sat around.

Andy’s nowhere to be seen, though Tom and Tara are sat towards the back of the room, looking vaguely shell-shocked but there at least.

Liam looks up at the clock on the wall which says it’s two minutes to eleven, but then the hand moves around and it’s one minute, and he hears the door open and it’s Paul who walks to the spare seat next to Harry and sits down.

“Whenever you’re ready Liam.”

Liam could have had PowerPoint presentations, he could have had fancy visuals, instead he places his trust in his words, and in visuals, yes, but not like they are in this current Aspire world.

“Do you ever think about the day that Aspire was born, do you ever think about how when Aspire was born, no one ever imagined that it would be a thirtysomething, no one ever thought that it would be old enough to have kids, if it were a human that is, and yet here we are, it’s older than me, it’s not as old as you Paul, but it's getting on a bit.”

There’s scattered laughter around the room, and smiles where others don’t laugh.

“And that, that noise, that fun that I used to pester my dad to buy me the magazine for, that ability to not take itself too seriously, that way that I’d read the magazine, and Dad would and it was never meant for me but it worked for me, it spoke to me and it was something me and my dad talked about, something that I’d used to stuff tissues down my trousers to try and aspire to be like the men in it, and I don’t know where along the line we lost it, I don’t know when we stopped having fun and started becoming complacent but that’s where Inspire have overtaken us cause they know how to have fun, and so do we, we always did, we just need to remember how.”

Liam turns around then, turns the storyboards over and Harry leaps up to help, and then they pass them around the room.

Just pictures of people having fun, in costumes, lightsaber battles, toy cars, 2.4 children and their parents, mums and dads, dads and dads, the way 2016 is now.

Bright colours, not glossy colours, just vibrancy and life, brought out by Zayn like no one else could.

The storyboards find their way back to Liam after a couple more minutes and he could talk for hours, talk of his passion, but sometimes three thousand words are best summed up by just a few.

“I know I remember, help me to help you, help us to help our readers and we really will have something to aspire to.”

It’s silent, too silent in the room for about thirty seconds, Liam daren’t even look at Paul, but he risks a look at Tom and Tara who are smiling at him.

And then it’s like he watches in slow motion as he looks at Paul, and Paul’s clapping his hands together, not sarcastically but loudly, enthusiastically and Liam thinks he’s dreaming, but then Paul’s joined by everyone else and they’re standing up and Paul’s coming over to hug him.

“That was fantastic, you’re fantastic, we’ll go to Head Office tomorrow to present but I know they’re going to love it.”

Liam wants to yell, he wants to scream, he wants to cartwheel around the office one hundred times and it wouldn’t be enough, instead he hugs Edith and Harry, accepts the handshakes of everyone else and the “Fair play Liam, you slayed it,” from Tara.

But there’s only one person he wants to celebrate with, and he makes his excuses, slips quickly into his office to pick up his jacket, and place everything from the presentation into the filing cabinet and tells Edith to take messages and he’ll call back tomorrow afternoon and to make sure she leaves early herself.

He has one place to go. One thing on his mind.

He doesn’t realise that he only makes one mistake all day.

**

Liam doesn’t bother with a cab, he doesn’t even bother with the tube, he sort of floats on air to Notting Hill, he barely notices when it starts hailing and he just splashes in and out of puddles like he’s Gene Kelly but he’s more like Paddington Bear attempting Singin’ in the rain.

Finally he reaches number 62 and sees the light on in the flat, and he presses all the buzzers except for Zayn’s cause he wants it to be a surprise and eventually he’s let in.

His clothes are wet through but he thinks it’d take a miracle to knock the smile off his face right now as he knocks on the door.

Turns out all it takes is Louisa.

“Hi Liam,” she’s all warm smiles mixed with concern as she takes in his appearance, “You’re wet through, are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m great thank you, is he here?”

“Zayn? no, I finally made him go and get a suit fitted, travelling back to Wolverhampton tomorrow and I really think he thought he was going to get away with turning up for his wedding in a pair of jeans and a crappy old t-shirt but no he’s out all day, why?”

Wedding.

Liam’s so stupid. Selfish and stupid.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says, “It’s just I wanted to tell him that we won, the presentation it’s being put forward tomorrow and it’s down to him, well and me, but his pictures, his photos, he’s amazing.”

Louisa doesn’t know and that’s a blessing, she doesn’t suspect Liam at all and he’s so thankful.

Instead she’s reaching forward and even though Liam’s saturated, she’s hugging him and whispering in his ear how proud she is of Zayn, but also Liam.

But then she pulls away, and Liam stares at her, and for the first time she looks a bit disconcerted and somehow sense finally comes to Liam.

“So just tell him thank you,” then as an afterthought though it’s like a Herculean effort to say anything he adds, “And have a wonderful day, and an amazing life he-I mean you both deserve it so much.”

Louisa kisses him once, whispers “You’re lovely Liam, Steve’s very lucky to have you.” and then just like those few weeks back, and is that all it is?

The door shuts in Liam’s face.

Truth is that it doesn’t hurt as much as the imaginary punch that steals the air from his stomach.

**

That night, Liam dreams of monsters winning and superheroes being defeated, he gives up on sleep after 4 am when he wakes up with a start for the sixth time that night and takes a taxi to the office.

He doesn’t even notice, or it doesn’t register that the filing cabinet is still open and that what was there the night before is on the floor or that his desk drawer is open.

He’s too keyed up for the presentation, and too consumed with thoughts of that to dwell on Zayn, dwell on what’s to come or his surroundings.

In the boardroom, he lays everything out as the day before and looks up at the wall clock and it’s just over twenty minutes to go when the door opens and it’s Paul.

Liam grins and expects Paul to return it, excited about the day ahead, the return of Aspire, but instead Paul looks like he’s attending a funeral, lips set in a thin line.

“What’s up Paul, where is everyone?”

“They aren’t coming, Aspire’s dead Liam or your vision is dead.”

“What? Why?”

“Andy, he took everything to Simon at Inspire, they’re using it all, he’s killed us, I’m sorry Liam.”

Liam practically knocks the door off their hinges as he storms out the boardroom, and sprints down the corridor pushing Andy’s office door open without knocking.

Andy who’s sitting in his chair, feet on his desk, arms stretched out and says.

“I’ve been expecting you Paynearse.”

“Is Paul right? What the hell have you done?”

Andy takes his legs off the table then, picks up a piece of paper and stands up handing the paper across to Liam but talks even as Liam unfolds the piece of paper, sees the letterhead that says Inspire and feels his world crumbling to pieces.

“You see Paynearse, I wondered why Simon winked at you at the party, I mean I thought he maybe just had a thing for pathetic losers but turns out you’d been going behind Aspire’s back for a while and had it not been for whatever that breakdown was a few weeks back, you’d be doing the same right now so don’t even try and guilt me pal when this is all your doing, and I’m just the one with the axe chopping off Aspire’s head.”

Liam shakes his head, sees the words, sees his name, sees the deal and he wants to faint, this is the end of Aspire, and it’s all down to him, and yes blame can be placed at Andy’s door, but Liam laid the groundwork, there’s no one else to blame.

“But what about the pictures?”

“Oh those, well I just told Zaynie that he wasn’t quite professional enough for this magazine, but Inspire welcomed his creativity and he signed the release form and he gets a few quid to put towards his nice honeymoon where he can pretend he’s in love with some woman and not you.”

Liam learned from an early age that boxing was all about control, that punching another person should be confined only to a boxing ring, but as his dreams fall apart, and as he realises that Edith, Harry, and Paul will be out of a job soon because of him, and as he realises that all he wanted counts for nothing, the feel of the punch he aims at Andy’s stomach is satisfying at least for about five seconds.

Though it’s nothing compared to the blow he’s dealt himself and to everyone around him.

It’s over, it’s all over, and he walks out, he can vaguely hear Andy’s behind him not crying or complaining but laughing at him,he hears Edith asking if he’s okay and he doesn’t deserve her concern and he keeps walking till he’s out of the office and in the fresh air, not knowing what to do or how to do it.

Till he’s walking through street after street and sees an advertising board with Inspire’s logo and a picture of Batman and Robin as imagined by Liam and brought to life by Zayn and Liam’s logo.

_Embrace the old you to bring out the new you._

And he knows what to do then.

**

It’s a hive of activity at the house next to where Liam was brought up by the time he arrives the next morning.

He considered dressing in a suit, but nothing felt right, so he’s just here in a red and black plaid shirt, and a pair of jeans and trainers.

The front door’s open when Liam approaches it and he takes the opportunity quickly duck inside, he can hear voices in the front room and a familiar song plays somewhere in the house that transports him back to seventeen years ago, but there’s no one to stop him as he runs up the stairs.

There was a time when Liam knew this house as well as his own, and he never forgot where Zayn’s bedroom was, just next to the landing, he takes a deep breath and then knocks.

“Come in,” Zayn shouts and so Liam does.

Zayn’s got his back to the door, staring out the window.

“Bet it’ll piss it down later and ruin me hair, told you I should have had a buzz cut but no you’re obsessed with me and my stupid longer hair mum.”

“Always did look best on you though Zaynie.”

Zayn spins around at the sound of Liam’s voice.

“Surprise,” Liam says conscious of how lame he sounds though he loses all power of thought at the sight of Zayn.

It’s only been just over a week since he last saw him, and yet just like always it’s like he’s seeing him for the first time or not always, but at least always in this world.

His hair is slicked back and tied into a tiny ponytail, his beard is freshly trimmed and he’s a wearing a white suit which makes him look a prince, just not Liam’s.

“Not that it's not great to see you Li, but why are you here? Why today?”

Here goes nothing says the voice in Liam’s head.

“Remember the first time we met, I was four and you were five and someone pushed me over in the playground and I was such a weed cos of the stupid kidney stuff and no one wanted to be seen with me, and yet you cupped my cheek, and you told me that I was going to be okay and you weren’t going to leave my side and then two weeks later, your family moved in here and It was like you’d kept your promise and you weren’t going to leave me.”

“Blimey Liam, I thought you’d forgotten about that.”

Liam shakes his head, “I could never forget that, you were always there for me, and I abandoned you for something that I don’t know even know why I wanted it, I ignored everything that told me you were right and that if soulmates do exist, you’re it for me, and when you said that the thing you thought you wanted slipped through your fingers, that was wrong cause it wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t slipping, I shook you off like you were nothing Zayn, when you’ve always been everything, calm, strong, brave and so smart, so funny, my world till I was stupid, till I was thirteen and I know I have no right, but if I told you that I’m back and I won’t let you slip through my fingers again, would you? Would you marry her?”

Zayn brings his fingers up to his own temple, rubs at his eyes and the noise that comes from his mouth is half laugh, half sob.

“Your timing is fucking lousy Liam, on my wedding day? I spent from the age of four till to the age of twenty-two in love with you, I kept thinking that’s it worth it all, it’s worth everyone else knowing that I felt that way about you, calling me gay boy, calling me all the words under the sun because I thought that one day even after you cut me out your life, one day you’d come back to me and I’d have walked over fire for you, cut glass you name it, but then I found Louisa, and it’s not perfect, it wasn’t love at first sight, but she’s kind and she’s fun, and she’s nerdy just like me and you, and she’s as close to perfect as I can get that’s not you, but without the added hurt.”

Liam knows he’s running out of time.

“Last week though Zayn and the feathers on your chest, the way one is missing, the L and the Z?”

“Last week Leeyum, if you’d have asked me that same question last week, then honestly I wouldn’t be here right now, you and I would be somewhere else together, but you didn’t and we’re not and there’ll always be a bit of me that wonders but I plan to put all my energy into forgetting about that and loving Louisa the way she deserves, so yeah I love you Liam, but I also love her and I would marry her, I  _am_ marrying her, and the feathers, well yeah that’s cause I felt broken without you, couldn’t fly and that’s so fucking cheesy and you can fly without feathers but yeah, it’s true, and the L and the Z, it can be whatever the person who sees it wants it to be.”

Tears have a habit of being easier to shed once you’ve shed them the first time, and next door not that long ago Liam rediscovered that and there’s a sort of perfect but painful symmetry that he finds himself unable to stop the tears again though somehow he finds words, finds himself able to nod.

“Thank you for being part of my life Zayn, thank you for teaching me that I should be better, could be better, and you deserve the world, you deserve so much happiness and I know you’ll have it.”

“Fucking hell Li, you soft twat, don’t make me cry.”

The embrace is all too short, but Liam breathes in Zayn’s scent, knows it’s the last time and think he’s the luckiest person in the world to even have this moment now.

Too soon Zayn pulls away but then fingertips find that familiar spot on Liam’s cheek and rub the tears away.

“You are going to be okay you know, you’re going to find someone amazing, just for you.”

Liam nods, how the hell does he walk away though, how the hell does he turn away when everything he ever needed is here.

“Hey, you know what you need?”

Liam looks up at Zayn then to see Zayn walking over to a cupboard which he opens and then lifts something out and Liam gasps.

“Zayn?”

“I ended up repairing it a bit after you lobbed it at me, but it’s not in bad shape given its seventeen years old and I reckon Customs in Australia might think it’s a bit weird to bring through security so I can’t think of a better home than with you.”

Zayn hands Liam his thirteenth birthday present and Liam’s lost for words, can still see Andy as the Joker, then Liam as Batman and Zayn as Robin.

It’s not enough but it’s something, and he doesn’t trust himself to say anything, except a broken, “Thank you,” and he turns around, walks down the stairs and out of Zayn’s life forever.

He walks for five minutes to the small park around the corner from where he grew up, finds a tree to shelter underneath and sits down.

He doesn’t know for how long but a little bit later, he looks at his watch and it’s 11.27am and Zayn’s a married man.

And he tries to blink back the tears, reaching out shaking fingertips to the Batcave, touching Robin, and wishes him every happiness and then he shuts his eyes, feels the wind pick up but he’s unaware as his eyes stay firmly closed that the fairy dust, just a couple of bits of fairy dust fly upwards just as he’s wishing he was anywhere but here.

Anywhere at all.

**

When Liam opens his eyes, he feels warmer, it doesn’t feel like tears are drying on his cheeks but he’s confused.

He’s in a cupboard, and he’s wearing a hoodie, and he’s got a badge on his hoodie saying “Be nice, I’m 13 today.”

But it can’t be? Can it?

He pinches himself, screws his eyes shut and then opens them again, and he’s still in the cupboard except it’s not a cupboard and above him on the shelf is the Batcave Zayn made for him and he realises it’s the utility room and he hears voices outside.

He can’t be that lucky surely?

Then he hears footsteps, and he swallows as the footsteps stop and Liam screws his eyes shut as he hears the door open.

And there’s a familiar smell, and then hands that find his and they’re soft but not as soft as Liam once imagined but now he knows better.

Then he hears someone breathing, and the floorboards creak a little as the person leans in closer.

Liam can’t stop himself, doesn’t want to stop himself as he opens his eyes and of course it’s Zayn and he pushes him backwards and lands on top of him, pressing his lips against Zayn’s and he’ll never forget this kiss as long as he lives.

He pulls his lips away and says, “I thought you were never going to come.”

Then he jumps up, tugs Zayn upwards and Zayn’s cheeks are bright red, and he looks uncertain, suspicious even but Liam tugs him along just as he sees Andy.

“What the fudge is going on Paynearse.”

Liam exchanges a glance with Zayn, smiles and then pulls the homework from Andy’s grasp, tears into and says, “It’s you that’s gonna sink not me Sammo,” then with a grin he adds,” wonky teeth,” then he reaches out for Zayn’s hand again and says. “Come on babe, let’s go.”

And they run through the house hand in hand, before Liam stops by the front door and Zayn asks.

“Where though Leeyum?”

“Open the door, and let’s just see,” Liam says so Zayn does.

**

Liam turns to his side, looks down at himself and sees he’s older, and as he looks to his right, Zayn’s there holding his hand, smiling and laughing while people applaud them.

The sound of music plays in the background, an old familiar tune.

_All I really want is to hold you tight, treat you right, be with you day and night._

Edith, and Harry, and Zayn’s best mate Louis, the kid Niall and his parents from Zayn and Liam’s old apartment block and Liam’s family, Geoff and Karen beaming, his cousins Ruth and Nicola cheering and chucking confetti all over Liam and Zayn’s heads and then Yaser and Trisha and Safaa, Doniya, and finally Waliyha who stands at the end of the garden holding a packet of fairy dust in her hand.

Hours later, it’s just the two of them waving the last of the guests goodbye, their first night as a married couple in this new house, new life together.

In the corner of the room on a shelf sits the Batcave, lit by fairy lights surrounding it, taking pride of place.

Liam places the picture of he and Zayn at work together at the film studio they opened last month, everything falling into place at once, onto the mantelpiece above the fireplace in between the Green Lantern and Batman figurines and from behind he hears the clink of glasses and turns round to face Zayn who sits on the settee and pours the wine.

Liam falls backwards onto the settee next to his husband, picks up his glass and toasts to them, to new beginnings and then nestles into Zayn who sets his glass down then rolls up Liam’s sleeve, runs his fingers over the single feather, and then the words Liam had tattooed just a few days ago below it.

The words that sum up everything, this journey and Liam.

_**I figured it out.** _

  
  


  
  


 


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